Descent Into Geekdom
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2001-08-19 16:36:16 (UTC)

Lying On The Floor

I really don't like having to be around my family at any given time. They really don't like me, have a generally sucky attitude toward me, and hurt my feelings constantly. Every word I say to them is somehow taken as a joke. I swear to God, if I walked downstairs and said to them right now, 'I'm going to cut my wrists with some razor wire and watch myself bleed out', they'd all bust out laughing and be like, 'Oh that's really funny, Heather, did you see that on Jackass?' Ugh. But seriously...I had one of those really terrible days yesterday. My aunt Jessie started talking to me like the dog that I apparently am (If I'm a dog, then she's a bitch), and then left for a little while, and then came back and informed me that I would be assistant coaching an elemantary school soccer team. Hmm...I'm willing to bet she already signed my name on the dotted line, too. But, as usual, I bit my tongue and didn't say anything that may cause a conflict. Because I am a good girl. I just went to my 'best friends' house, listened to her mindless chatter about how our friendship almost ended once, and then sat there as we listened to Weezer and beheld her saying, 'I don't get it.' Some people just aren't the Weezer type. She isn't. She's also not the type that makes me feel better about things. GRRR...I hate shallow people.

Really hate being alone sometimes. Sometimes I think Andrew is a good option for not being alone, and then I remind myself that if something goes wrong in that relationship and we're both left hating each other, then what do I have then? Lori, but not much else. And even then, Lori doesn't understand a lot of things about me, my love of all thinks geeky among them. Andrew understands...and without him, sometimes I think I'm going to go crazy. I look forward to 3rd period lunch every day, because I know I can talk to him about the things that have gone wrong in my day, and he'll make me feel better about it, just like he's done a million times before.

Mikey from Weezer is in a psychiatric hospital. Which is funny, because I almost called a shrink and set up an appointment yesterday, because I thought i had finally lost my mind....but then I realized it was just a false alarm, and put down the phone. My mom sat there and told me, 'There's nothing wrong with you.' Of course, I suppose most mothers with children cruising for a term in a psych ward are in denial like she is, too. I think there is something very wrong with me. Like all the things on my mind that should have been cleared up years ago when my father left are still hanging on with a firm grip, and they just keep coming back to haunt me, just like the other day when I went shopping with Jessie...she threw me a pleasant reminder of my father and his fucked up ways, and I threw a punch at the wall while no one was looking. I didn't bash my knuckles. I hate my father. I hate my family. I hate so many things about my life. And yet, in the end, I have no one to share these things with. I wish I had someone who cared. I really do. -Heather

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