StickFigureMonkey

Just Another Cliche'
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2001-08-19 13:12:12 (UTC)

Wolfy...

This entry is really only intended for the eyes of one
person, and hopefully he knows who he is and actually takes
the time to read this. To avoid being eaten alive by my
conscience, I can't even really address this to him,
though. I have to dance around it and make it just
look/sound like I'm talking *about* him. I can't really
help it if he reads it, now can I?

I think about John a lot. I wonder if he thinks about me,
if he still cares about me. I went out for a drive with
him a few weeks ago, and I enjoyed it. I never wanted it
to end. I don't think I ever remembered to tell him how
much it meant to me. I really wish I had, because now I
can't talk to him anymore. I'm afraid that I hurt him and
pissed him off when I told him that I couldn't talk to him
anymore. He's probably disappointed in me. I wouldn't
blame him for thinking that way, though. I just hope that
he'll understand.

The past month with Josh has been strange. I've been
happy, except for the constant feeling of guilt, that is.
I talked to him and told him how I was feeling about the
way he was treating me, and he's been just fine ever
since. I actually got through to him for once.

When I went out with John that night, I never thought that
I'd need to tell Josh about it because I was going to break
up with him the next day. Instead of breaking up with him,
I ended up talking to him about how I felt. We decided to
compromise on some important issues. I didn't tell him
about my little adventure with John because I didn't want
to hurt him or stir up any unnecessary distrust between
us. I felt guilty about going out with John that night,
but only because I knew it would upset Josh if I told him.
Nothing had happened, and I wasn't sure if he'd believe
me. I should've just told him. I was afraid that he'd
break up with me, though. After talking things out with
him, that was the last thing I wanted. So, I deliberately
withheld the information from him.

I finally told Josh about it about a week ago. He
flipped. He didn't yell or anything like I expected,
though. He was rather hurt and pissed, though. I "lied"
to him for a month. Perhaps I shouldn't have told him at
all. I guess I'll never know. The only option Josh
offered me (if I wanted to continue dating him) was to
break off all contact with John. I made my decision and
the next time I heard from John, I gave him the news. He
wasn't amused, but there are some things that he might not
have realized.

I love John. I didn't mean to hurt him or piss him off or
anything like that. At the time that I made my decision,
all I could think about was how much I'd hurt Josh
by "lying" to him. He has this certain knack for making
people feel guilty even when they haven't done anything
wrong. At the time, it didn't occur to me that my decision
might upset John. I was too focused on patching things up
with Josh. Right then, I thought I'd made the right
choice. Now, I'm not so sure.

I love Josh, but he's isolated me. He used to be very
verbally abusive, but it seems he's grown out of that. I'm
really confused. I did something really stupid a couple of
days ago when I was upset. (I smoked.) I'm supposed to be
starting work at the end of the month. I'm scared.
Everything's up in the air. I have a feeling something
really bad's going to happen soon. I'm really stressed
out, and I don't know why. Things haven't seemed this bad
in a long time...not since I tried to kill myself a couple
years ago.

Everything seems right, but it feels all wrong. I feel
like I died a month ago, and this is hell...it's just so
similar to life that I can't quite tell the difference.
Everything seems fake. I feel like I've fucked everything
up. I still want to be with Josh, but I don't know why
anymore. If it weren't for that, I'd say "fuck it" and
call John. I'm so sick of being surrounded by stoners, but
I'm afraid to leave. I wish I could figure out what the
hell my problem is.

There's only one person that I trust right now, and that's
John. And I can't fucking talk to him...and it's *my*
fault, too. I wish I could talk to him. I wish he still
cared. Heh. If *he* calls *me* I'm innocent, but I can't
call him. This really sucks. I hope he understands.

I've been trying to figure out what the hell's going on for
a while now. I'm still not totally sure. I have a theory,
though. I think that if I cut smoking and (possibly)
drinking out of my life, I'll be ok. The only problem with
that is that I'll have to cut Josh out of my life too, and
I'm not sure if that's really what I want. I have the
distinct impression that it's what I need, though. I wish
he'd give me another reason to break up with him. Why
can't he just make it easy for me? God, everything's
gotten so fucked up. Ugh. I need a hug.

*sigh* I hope I hear from John, but I'll understand if he
doesn't want anything to do with me after all of this shit.

Wooo...I've got issues. I'm drowning here. With any luck
and a little forgiveness, maybe John'll throw me a rope.
Bah. Enough rambling.


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