2002-11-20 04:25:28 (UTC)

i dont understand

i wish that she was here to hold me.

i dont feel good.

and shit is sucking right now.

i wish that i could just lay in her arms and have
everything fade away.

instead i sit here sprawled out on the floor.

trying to make sense of a semester worth of work.

which is adding up to...

a big mess on my floor.

11 20 at night.

tomorrow at 10 im presenting this stuff.
in front of all of these people.

i dont want to be here right now. i want to be elsewhere
and i want to be worrying about things of substance and
putting my energy towards doing good things for people and
smiling and hugging and kissing people.

but no.

this is what life is now about, yes?

so why am i so resistant.
and at the same time.
so involved.

i dont understand me.

i dont understand why i have to spend hours and hours of
my LIFE.
doing this.
and that.

when it all results in.

a piece of paper.

a piece of a chopped down tree and some chemicals.

i dont like either one of those things.

my head hurts.

im going through life with my eyes closed.

so i dont have to realize

how much my every day contradicts.

my beliefs.


i hate everything right now.

fuck you.

but more importantly.

fuck me.