DazedAndConfused

Just Another Dumb Blonde
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2001-08-19 07:20:14 (UTC)

fuck i hope no one knows this is me

well im tired but i cant sleep. my friend caitlin will
be calling soon cuz shes out with this guy jeff she really
likes...lucky bitch!! mine has to be in fucking tahoe!! and
he gets back tmw, but im leaving tmw for arizona, and then
when i get back he will be leaving for college in like, 3
days. y do i always fall for the wrong guys?? i
allllllwwaaaays end up hurting myself!!! shit shit shit. i
wish noele was here. she would tell me about damon and i
could help her with her problems cuz i hate thinking bout
mine. wow thats selfish huh haha...well i dont care i have
to worry bout what other people think all the time i dont
have to cuz its my fuckin diary.
y is caitlin all about compitition?! im so serious, its
like, she HAS to look better, HAS to be smarter, HAS to be
funnier, ect ect... i mean, fuck!! what is this a
friendship or a game?!?! well shes betrayed me b4... i
swear its like we r going out sometimes haha she calls me
like constantly to see what im doing, we have petty
arguments, shes jealous of other people i hang out
with...its kinda dumb, but she needs someone like me to
build her up i guess... i let her put me down and i know
thats not good but i know she has bad self esteem so i
guess its ok... but yeah i wish i could handle alcohol
better, i hate puking SOOOO much!! sometimes after i eat
though i wanna puke, but i cant... i hate my stomache...
caitlin always makes fun of me for it and comments on it in
public, but whatever i dont care it just makes her look
like a bitch most of the time.
noele was out with this guy dom tonite, they stopped
by. he seems like an awesome guy, i wudnt mind if him and
noele got together, she needs a guy like that. she needs to
lose damon, hes a loser. hes nice i guess, but DUDE hes
stringin her along its sooo mean.... but at least she knows
hes a jackass i guess.anyways, dom said something that
kinda put me off. he was all yeah ive seen u walking around
skool and stuff but u kinda seem like u dont want anything
to do with anybody else.....i was like WHAAAAAA? he then
said well u r totally laid back it just didnt seem like it
then. well maybe its cuz i gotta be on my fucking guard all
the time. i dont know how to really explain it, but i just
feel uneasy when people look at me sometimes. so i look
away or at the ground or where ever so i can just feel like
no one knows im there... i wish i could be invisible. that
wpuld be the greatest. but that will never happen. damn.
wow this diary thing is great haha i shud tell noele
thanks since she told me bout it haha... SHIIIIT i hope she
isnt reading this..... oh man she is going to.... hey
noele. fuck. well dont let me know if u read this or are
reading this i wanna pretend the only person that cares
about my life is some weird kid in omaha or somthing. shit.
i miss tyler. i miss tyler. i miss tyler. i want him to
love me. like is not enough, i want love dammit. that way i
wont feel dumb when i start to love him. shit im falling.
ive only known him for like,A WEEK! how pathetic huh?
dammit life is so complicated. i want to be with him. i
want us to be "serious" and only see each other. im scared
he might have met another girl in tahoe. he keeps telling
me hes not like that, but i dont know, ive been screwed
over before cuz guys always seem to find someone better
than me...
the way he holds me though...fuck im starting to cry...
i dont wanna cry again over a guy... but i am. hes just so
incredble!! i cant hardly ever keep eye contact with
people, but his eyes lock me in. i cant look away, and we
spent a whole day together, not doing really anything!! and
it was one of the best days i have had in a lonnnnng time.
just spending like, 10 hours together in one day seemed
like we knew each other forEVER! but its so horrible how we
got together, even though we arent like, technically
together....
we were drunk and fooled around at a party, giving
people the idea i was a slut (even tho we didnt have sex,
oral or the real deal)... then we hung out again, and i had
feelings for him(i dont mess around with people i dont have
any feelings for). after drinking, we messed around again,
and it was the same thing as before, only this time he
wanted to have sex, but we didnt cuz i stopped him and he
was SOOOOO great about it!!! oomigosh, my ex would get MAD
at me when i didn want to, or if i couldnt.... and tyler
was apologizing!! he didnt want to hurt me and i knew rite
there that he had real feelings for me, i wasnt just
the "drunk skank" of the party.
then a couple days later we really like, told each other
how we felt... and we kept saying how great it would have
been if we had met just a few months earlyer...but we
didnt, and just like my dream of wanting to be invisible
will never come true, niether will this one. i cant turn
back the clock, but i want to soooooo bad.... but that
doesnt matter at all. once again, i have been screwed. BUT
NOT LIKE THAT!!! haha well im out i gotta wake up early tmw
morning and get on a fuckin plane.... i dont know whether
to hope the plane crashes or not. goodnite


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