Jaded

Why Me?
2001-08-19 05:22:49 (UTC)

Ah, desolate ramblings

Diary,

I would like to open this entry with a simple statement, which I believes sums up my current life: FUCK! Thank you. Now, onwards doth we trudge. Several things just randomly occurred to me today. For one, I realized that in three years from now, I'll be going into college, leaving behind all I've ever known - which hasn't exactly been a joy ride - and entering a world of "what if" and loneliness more profound than I know now. Yes, loneliness. It is my constant companion these days, forever by my side, offering Its services and love. Yes, Loneliness. With a capital "L" - I have now personified it, as it shall more than likely be my only friend and comrade left. Another thing I realized is that I'm a bitch. A PETTY bitch, nonetheless! I discovered that people who can't spell piss me off. How shallow is that? See, I was reading something, wherein someone had spelled "weird" "wierd". I felt like killing them! What was wrong with this PERSON, I asked myself, that they could not remember ONE irregular word? Were they mentally deficient? After reflection, I discovered that other common misspellings piss me off as well: "there" when a person means "their" or "they're" and vice versa, "thier" for "their", etc. One couldn't not IMAGINATION the insults that I gave these incompetent dolts. That is, until I realized, what the hell? Why does this BOTHER me so much? I've come to the conclusion that I'm simply a petty bitch, too obsessed with OTHER'S shortcomings to notice my own, although I do that very well. I know that I'm mean, shallow, selfish, obviously somewhat disturbed, ugly, and unlikeable. How's THAT for a self-analysis? *sighs* I wish that people didn't see me as "that smart girl who lets people copy". Mind you, I don't let people copy to get them to like me, I only let certain people copy - those who I think don't deserve to fail; I assume that by not doing their OWN work, they will already fail the tests, so why not give them a little something to fall back on? I don't mind to cheat, it doesn't hurt me, does it? In the long run, it hurts the other person, but why bother to explain it? Onwards again, however. I also realized today that my life is WORSE than I thought it to be. I'm in no mood to elaborate today, diary, so that statement must suffice your inquiries. I often wish I were smarter. Or that I had a talent. Or that I was prettier. As it is, I'm of average intelligence - though I've always been put in advance classes I figure it's because I get good grades, I'm absolutely talentless (I used to play the piano, but now it's only a hobby to soothe my jumbled nerves and I used to think I wrote good but that changed when my 6th grade teacher decided to critique all my writings to the highest possible degree and wreck any building self-confidence I had), and I'm ugly as sin, diary. At least, these truths I hold to be self-evident. Well, I believe myself to be all these things, and thus AM - no matter what the truth may be. I may be worse or better than I surmise, but by believing my said statements, I shall BE them. *sighs* I love the French language. I love the country (I went there this summer), too. Mince, mes amis! Qu'est-ce que j'ai? Je suis terrible! One day, I hope to be so fluent as to be able to live in France. One day. Well, diary and unlikely readers, I depart thusly. Adieu and wish me luck in my undertakings, as I will need it.
-Eryn
PS - school starts Wednesday. Joy, fucking joy. Bliss. Greatness. Whoo. hoo. MORE loneliness and my sad stature to be rubbed in my face.