My Reality
Ad 2:
2002-11-20 00:13:35 (UTC)

Just a card?

ive known him for over a year and over that year he has
spent a total of about seventeen dollars on me..I on the
other hand have spent several hundreds of dollars on him..i
love christmas i love to give people gifts i love to shop
for them and i love to try and make them happy, but i can
thelp but feel guilty that he hasnt gotten me anything
ever, for christmas for my it so
wrong to want just a that asking to much..i mean
i know money is a lil tight with his apartment and what not
but he ahs a job now, i mean is it really too much, im not
his girlfriend...god knows i dont want to be im just like a
best friend it wrong for a best friend just to want a
card...i cant explain how much a card would mean, i cant
tell you how happy it would make me to think that he just
for a brief moment wanted to do something nice for me not
because he has to but because he wants to...i want him to
want to make me happy and i want him to want to be nice to
me becasue i am nice to him..hell i am too nice to him i
have put up with crap that i should have just turned and
walked away from never looking back, but i believe in
giving people second and third and so on and so forth
chances, until they jsut hurt to the point that you dont
feel any more...i believe that deep down inside he wants to
make things right and maybe thats my screw up maybe i
should just see him as the selfish self absorbed boy that
he is but i cant..i refuse to see the bad in people i want
to see the good but its so hard when you do all the giving
and you never receive...i mean i always thougth i was
giving person so th thought of me wanting something from
someone makes me feel kinda petty but its not wrong i dont
think its just what i am conditioned to...our relationship
has always worked out that i give and i give and he takes
and takes....i have set myself up for this fall and i ahve
no one to blame but myself because i went back to this,
but i jsut thought that maybe he would care about me a lil
or would love me just enough to want to make me feel
special for a brief moment...this is my fault...but aside
from that i still cant help but have this glassy eyed
little girl approach to it... i want to mean
wouldmake this past year of depression not necessarily
worth it, but i would say know that all my
love and thoughts and caring for him didnt go
unnoticed....dont get me wrong i see th error of my ways
now and i know that i deserve to date better than preston
beleive me i deserve a lot better but that doesnt mean i
stop caring about him and thinking about him...he needs
something good in his life, and if can be that for him then
my job is complete...i hate to know he is lonely or by
himself when he doesnt want to be because i know its a
horrible feeling...i just wish he could want to do the same
for this is my last attempt and i mean it...he
gets this last gift and if i dont even get a card m done, i
have spent too much time and money on him..i will always
love him and care about him but i am done putting myself
second to him...i am done being his sucker...there are
people who acknowledge my kindness and who appreciate,
there are men who would love to have me as a girlfriend and
they would try just as hard to please me as i did for i dont want to call it a test..and i dont want it
to sound like an ultimatum..its more like a card this year and i say i give...i
refuse to fight for your feelings any more..i refuse to
fight for your time and i refuse to fight for
youattention..i will be your friend forever, but i will be
the kind of friend that you are, and honestly in my book im
not sure i can even promise that because what you are to me
is not a very good friend.
to all of the men that i have loved and cared for and to
all the men that have felt that way for me...or will feel
that way for me for that matter, i ahve to say, i am weak
when it comes to love and i am weak when it comes to
emotion, i let it win and i probalby shouldnt, i just ask
that you dont take advantage of it, i think it is pretty
special ...and i think it is something that deserves
respect..if you resepct that all i want to do is make you
happy and maybe try and do the same for me, then i will be
the happiest i have ever been, because no one has ever
loved me selflesssly and no one has ever appreciated what i
give them....just know that i am sensitive...but id
like to stay that way i like being sensitive because
overall its a good thing...i actually let people touch my
life and leave an impression, just try and leave a good
one, because though i move on and still care for you i will
never forget how you treat me...good or bad, it will stick
with me forever.