My Reality
Ad 2:
2002-11-19 23:30:22 (UTC)

Other peoples opinions

I always thought that i was a very independent person who
didnt need others to survie, and while on one hand that is
true, i think i am more dependent on what other people
think than i would like to be.
I was involved in a conversation today that shocked the
hell out of me in several senses. At first i was made to
wheep because i was told that i was very high maintenance,
especially when it came to relationships, and being the
sensitive person that i am, i took that to be offensive.
To me it sounded as though the person said i would never
date you because you are too much work, and seeing as how i
have heard this comment before it made me panic. my first
thought was i am going to die old and alone because no one
sees the person that i am worthy of a little effort.
but then, after that comment that kinda set the tone for
that conversation, i received a phone call from this party
after we had parted ways, and after a few moments of him
apologizing, he then said, i dont know how you dont have an
ego. he said that i have so much going for me its hard to
beleive that i dont think more highly of myself and that i
dont try and receive what i truly deserve.
overall i would have to say he is right. when it comes to
relationships i do ask a lot of a person. no i take that
back i dont ask a lot i just think that if someone wants to
be with me they should want to do a lot to make me happy
becuase when i date someone i go out of my way to try and
please them beause their happiness is oftentimes valued
more than mine in my eyes, and amybe that is my downfall in
relationships i put myself last one too many times and
overlook how i deserve to be treated. yes its true i do
get hit on a lot and i do get asked out quite a bit but
that does not mean in my eyes that i should think i am
anything special. it jst menas that a strange was
interested in my looks and honestly i am not impressed with
that at all. i am impressed with personality intelligents
and motives in life. i want someone who is out to do some
good and who is attracted to i dont want to say unusual but
unique things. i want someone who is going to notice if i
smile on a daily basis or not, i want somenoe who wishes me
a good day and i want someone who is going to say hey i
noticed you were reading this book or i noticed you siled
when you heard this, i am not...repeat not interested in
someone who is just going to off the cuff say god i think
youre hot because when it comes down to it that really isnt
important to me.. i mean who doesnt love to be told that
they are cute or that they are attractive things like that
will brighten your day but only to an extent.... to be told
that i would make one hell of a girlfriend or that i would
make a wonderful wife and mother, or to hear that my view
on something is interesting or that you like that i am
independent is something that will peek my interest. looks
have little to do with relationships to me, and maybe that
is also a downfall for me
i am very insecure about my looks, beause on one hand many
people seem to find me attractive but on the other hand i
am nothing of what todays idea of beauty is, i am a short
fairly plum brunette and honestly that is not a going look
for most people...a skinny blonde is typically choosen over
what i am so if someone tells me i am attractive i tend to
automatically think they are kinda shallow, and i know i
shouldnt but thats only because i feel so uncomfortable
with the way that i look, i feel if i take that aspect out
of dating all together than maybe i will feel comfortable
with dating and meeting new people. i would love to be
able to say yes i am hot and i would love to say that lots
of men want me but i cant i have tried i just dont buy it
and when it comes down to it, thats what matters i can try
all i want to impress someone with my looks but until i buy
it and until i feel comfortable with it its not going to
matter at all...i want to think i am beautiful but i have
let myself believe that i am less than i am all because o f
a man. why do i let preston of all people bother me. why
do i let such a miserable person beat me...i am letting him
win by seeing myself as he sees me.. i am so much of a
better person when he is not in the equation and i iknow
that but there is a horrible fear of losing him bc he has
made me feel that if i dont have him than no other man
would ever want me bc i am not good enough so i am trapped
in my own self pity thinking that this man is my last
hope... he is all that i will ever have aside from
i dont want to be that girl any more, yes i was a wee bit
more naive then but when i first came to college i was
proud of myself and i had faith in myself and i beleived
that i deserved a good guy and i beleived that i deserved
what i wanted and i was very patient and i nicer and i was
a more loving individual i think. being with preston has
left me jaded and uninterested in trying to even attemtp to
find what makes me happy because i automatically assume
that the bad will outway the good because everything and
everyone in this world wants something out of me..i have
lost the idea that people can sometimes just want to be
nice...i honestly feel like there are so few simply nice
people in this world that i come off jagged and rough, and
not the sweet ladylike loving gentle woman that i want to
be...i want to find that woman that i used to be..i used to
someone that i wanted to be..i honestly had achieved what i
thought a young woman should be and now i feel like i have
slipped and fallen into exactly what i despise... i am
bitter and synical, and i hate that..i want to try and
change and i want to do it now, there was a time in my life
when all i did was think of others i was so giving and
lovign and nurturing that i was proud of the person that i
was i thought i was someone that people liked, and i want
to be that person again i want to be that person that i