Locked Inside my Book
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2001-08-19 04:03:45 (UTC)

Night sleep

the last two nights have not been good. I don't like going
to bed when i'm not sleepy b/c awful thoughts come to my
head. Things i don't want to think about. The past two
nights, i was feeling like i was going crazy. I get soo
worried about the future and what's going to happen. I'm so
nervous about going to a new school. all these thoughts
come to my head of how it's going to be like. Am i going to
make friends? What if i don't and i become a loner and be
lonely. What if people don't like me and judge me right
away? What if i let them get to me and i cry. At night when
all these thoughts come to me, i start to cry but the past
nights feel like mental break downs. i don't know how i'm
going to get past it all. i can't picture myself in all
the normal life situations. I can't see myself having a
professional job and being successful when i'm older. i
can't picture myself with a great guy and being
affectionate. Probably b/c i haven't had many boyfriends to
be affectionate towards. i dunno. i just feel so lost in my
world that i won't be able to go free in this real world. i
just want to be strong and i want to know that things will
be ok and that i will be fine and that i don't have
anything to worry about. i really want to see a psychic who
can give me an idea of how my future is going to be. will i
be able to socialize with people with no problem? will i
find a great guy who can make me happy and i won't feel
like i don't belong with him. i just want things to be ok
and i need answers. if i don't get them soon, i'm going to
continue having these awful sleepless night. i don't want
to cry anymore. i don't want to worry anymore. i don't want
to feel held hostage in my own mind/ world/ house. i'm
going to have a serious melt down if i can't get through
this. my own mind tortures me.

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