Me and More
2002-11-18 23:05:41 (UTC)

Majorly Down...again....

Well, Here I sit pondering my existence. I really hate
this shit. I feel empty. I don't know why I'm here, what
the meaning of me living, etc. Things are so not going the
way I would have hoped. I dunno really how to articulate
what I'm feeling. It's like a vast emptiness. Like it's
just me in this big hole. I feel alone but I know I'm not.
I mean I've got Brett, I've got Tabitha, Short of, and I've
got Michelle, again Short of.

I feel like I tlk and no one cares what I have to say no
matter what I'm saying. Which again I know it's not true.
This depression thing sucks big. I really think I need to
go on another antidepression medicine. I dunno.

Like today my mind has been wondering, to certain things.
Like kissing, sitting on the couch watching a movie with a
cup of hot chocolate and my lover next to me, or sitting in
a coffee shop just talking. Maybe it's because Jackie is
comingup here and I know I'm going to be alone. Again. I
don't know if I'm going to be ignored or left out of
things, even tho I don't want to be inculded if I'm not
forgiven, but still. No one likes being left alone.

It kinda pisses me off that Tabitha gets to spend time with
her lover but I can't. It's like the universe is against me
being happy. I'm not mad at Tabitha, just the fact that she
gets the things I've been longing for. The things I need. I
dunno, that probably sounds really mean, but that's how I
feel. I hate feeling this way. I hate being sad, I hate
having to put on a face for everyone. I just hate
everything. I can't keep friends, even when I do my best or
what's best for them. I can't keep guys. It's like everyone
can't stand me. Am I that bad of a person or just not
likeable. I dunno. I just don't know. I have a boyfriend
now, and he's just great. We can talk about anything, even
debate without fighting. I hate that he lives so far away
and I'm here.

I'm going to go now, I'm just rambling. My words don't make
sense any more. Nothing does. I'm just............. Lost. I
wish some one could pull me out of here before I drown.