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2001-08-18 04:45:41 (UTC)

Deep Inside

Inside I feel so many feelings. And they scare me. I feel
so drawn out and alone tonight. Mostly so alone... Tonight
was Inside Panther Night. And it wasn't anything I had
hoped it'd be... and I didn't have enough guts to even talk
to Dustin. I walked by him three times- and even sat
staring at him. He has the most beautiful blue eyes I have
ever seen in my life. And the cutest smile ever. I really
think that, I will really regret not talking to him then.
And that makes me really sad, and disappointed in myself. I
was just afraid that, after those times I walked by and he
dind't say anything, that it wasn't really me he saw. And
that he wont like me, and then my whole fantasy and world
will be broken. I withdrew... and we went to the coffee
house... Kevins band was playing. It was the most beautiful
thing that has ever happened to me. He was so beautiful...
from the inside.. and I have never really seen someone like
that before. He is just such a beautiful person... and I finally saw
that... where i was too shallow to notice before... it was magical
almost, and the more he played.. the more I watched.. and the more I
watched.. the more I got to know him.. and in that I found out, that
I had passed up, something that could've been so great. Millions of
feelings were flooding my heart. I watched.. as if from the outside
looking in... I didn't know what to do, so I sat there, in the
darkness, in the middle of the crowded place, and as I listened... I
Everyone loves him, and we couldn't even talk to eachother without
it being awkward. I just.. and its all my fault.. because I
didn't even take the time to want to really know him. I
just made up excuses, so I wouldn't have to get close and
share myself with anyone, because I'm so confused, and so
scared, about everything...
I haven't eaten since 4- then I
only had about 2 bites of a salad... Im not losing weight,
and I'm not getting thinner... and I'm not feeling
healthier, so y do i do this? I guess its just the thought
of eating food, and having it planted inside me... I dont
Christian. I miss him with such a pain that it hurts
me not to be saying his name in every other sentence like I
used to. It hurts me when I think that I've gone through
days not even thinking about him, or remembering that he
isn't just down the street. And it hurts me, so much, when
he isn't here, and I dont talk to him, and when... when I
see the football players out on the feild, and I realize
that, that he isn't out there anymore. And when I remember
the memories, hurts me the most, to remember at all. I
can't even think, and I can't even talk. All memories are
bitter... they are never happy or good, because in the
memories you realize that they are all that you are made up
of, and that they are what you live to create, and that
there will never be another as good as them.. the same as
Dustin just got on. It
comforts me to talk to him... but still I miss
Kevin. he is so good, and so perfect. And I'm just not
good enough.. He would take
it, but he would regret it, and we both would regret it
when it got even more uncomfortable... people will come and go, and
the thoughts and feelings of the times will still remain, and there
is no way or erasing.... Another summer will wrap up in a couple
days... 4 days until I officially become a Sophmore...

I will miss the summer..
but it will come again...
and I'll get to see it, again.

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