My Heart and Soul....
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2002-11-18 04:03:49 (UTC)


FUCK! I just figured it out!!! I figured out what it was
that makes it impossible for me to have relationships!

I get physically involved too fast. I don't mean like sex,
cause I don't have sex with every guy I date. But...the
relationships that I have....I get too physical. Mostly
foreplay stuff, but in Davids case more than that. But thats
it!!!!! I do that with a guy, and then I start to want
something more, and shy away from the guys, because I don't
know how to approach a guy about having an emotional
relationship without so much of the physical. Holy shit.

Well that thoroughly depresses me. Damn.....well that sucks
a whole lot now doesn't it? That sucks though. Because my
personallity....I love kissing. I'm not a hoe, I don't kiss
or have sex with every guy I meet. But I do love to kiss
guys that I care about. There are like 4 people that I can
name that I absolutely LOVED to kiss. I'm too much of an
adventerous person to date someone and not find out what
they kiss like. And I'm too much of tease.

well shit. Now I just don't know what to do. Single is ok.
But it gets lonely. But I definately know that I am not
ready for a relationship. I went out with a guy last
weekend. I had a great time. But I can't see myself getting
committed to anyone right now. I don't know why. Any guy I
picture, even ones that I know I like a lot....I just can't
see being in any kind of long-term relationship with
them....nope nope. I hate that. I was like that before.
Like 2 years ago at this time. But then I dated a couple
guys, and I kinda wish I hadn't cause they were into me and
I wasn't into them, and I feel bad about that. I'm not the
kind of girl that can be friends with someone, and fal for
them. I have to be taken coompletely by surprise and swept
off my feet. But them those usually last a few months until
the guy finds out what I'm really like, and dumps me... so
who knows what I want or need?!

ONLY 12 Days until 18. I don't know whats in store. I guess
a party is out, cause my Dad said I can't have it there, and
I sure as hell can't have it here in town. So I guess I am
prolly just gonna go out with Gabs to a club or something...
:- I dunno....I'm going to have a good time though! :-) AND
I'm not going to be spending it WITH or WISHING I WAS WITH
anyone. Fuck them BOTH! HAHA....WHEW!!!

I'm PMS-ing....so I really am not to happy with the malke
race right now. LOL..

I'm going to bed, I have school tomorrow!! Love ya, talk to
you soon!



P.S. Funny thing. No one has left me any notes since I
flipped out about using this as a slambook for ammunition
against me....why is that? Cat got your tongue? Can't think
of anything nice to say? Or are you just ALL outwitted?!? ;-)