2001-08-18 02:31:00 (UTC)

What a day, what a day

Could my life be any more crazy right now? i think not! my
father has once again lost a job. it's not that he isn't
qualified, but he is just so sick. i know that i shouldn't
be so selfish but i really don't want to move out of state!
i have finally adapted to life in minnesota and i am so
happy here. is it wrong of me to be angry at my father?
because i am. i know i shouldn't be, but he took me out of
a place where i was happy before and moved me half way
across the country. if i took it badly enough to go into a
depression when i was nine and didn't have any real
friendships, i don't even want to know how terrible it
would be for that to happen again now that i am 14 and have
real friends.
i am about to go into highschool, which is kindof
freaking me out to be honest. i am wicked smart, and i get
ok grades, i am just a slacker. if i thought 8th grade was
even remotely tough i am really gonna hate being a
freshman, but oh well, i will just have to actually start
I am really mad at a friend of mine. i was so proud of
her because she had been off drugs for a few months. i
realyl supported her decision to quit, i thought it was the
right thing for her to do because she is so young and has
so much to live for. well, i guess she decided to smoke
again at a party she attended the other night, and i guess
she had also done some smoking durring the months when she
was "clean" or atleast that's what i hear. i take that
back, i am not pissed at her, i am just sad because she is
such a great person adn i just wish there was something i
could do to help her, but it seems that no matter how hard
anyone tries it seems like nothing works. all i can do is
be there for her, i guess.
my other friend is pregnat, she is 14. she and her
boyfriend IM'd me one day, completely histerical. they
refused to go to a clinic or talk to anyone else but me. i
had never been so scared in my life. i had to calm them
down, and smoehow did. they told me that they wanted the
baby and that they were both going to drop out of school.
it took about 3 hours, but i got them to stay in school and
tell their parents, i don't hink i had ever had to give
such life changing advice before.
My other friend has a brain tumor. she could die within
a month if they can't find treatment for her. when i found
out i cried myself to sleep. that night i had a dream about
her. i wanled into a completely black room woith a white
bed in the middle of it. i looked on the bed and it was my
friend lying there dead.
I am very proud to say that i have quit carving. I
haven't picked up an single needle or safety pin in three
weeks after doing it every day, but let me tell you it is
hard. i get very tempted and want to really badly, but i
need to keep my self comtrol. i don't need to carve to feel
good, or to relieve stress. it just took me some time to
realize that. But i have been thinking sme wicked creepy
thoughts about killing myself. i know that i will never do
it, but sometimes i want to die so badly that i actually
pick up a knife. i am happy to say that i always drop it. i
think i need to scare myself sometimes to bring myself back
into reality and get over my self pitty because it won't
get anyone anywhere.
Top anyone out there who thinks that their life isn't
worth living sometimes, remember that even when it rains
non stop for days, eventually the sun comes out. death is
not the way to solve your problems. you just need to get
back on your feet and face the day.