Sam

Sam's journal of random thoughts
2002-11-18 03:19:38 (UTC)

Lots of crap.....

I have a lot to say today. I guess I'll start of with what
I most need to get off my chest. Stuff about Violet.

It's been over a month since we broke up now, and that
month has pretty much sucked. She's happy with somebody
else now, and I am happy for her. But it's hard to see
them together all of the time, or see her driving to his
house. I wish them both nothing but the best, and hope
that Andrew loves her as much as I did. I still care for
her, and if he ever does anything to hurt her, I will beat
the shit out of him ;).

My friend Ashley (that goes out with my friend Matt) has
been trying to get us back together since we broke up. Her
plans have changed, and closely mirror the plans of my
friend Justen. They started out as pretending I had a new
girlfriend to get her jealous. Then, we have a top-ten
list for the school paper (Violet and I both write for it)
and she said I should do "The top-ten people I want to go
out with" and have then all Violet. Later, the plan
changed to making all of the odd ones her and the evens
people she knew to make her jealous. Now, they are
identical to Justen's plan: Stab him in the eye. I know
that they are both kidding, but I was serious when I
said, "Why do you want me to be bitter? I really do want
her to be happy." You see, for a while, I was everything
that I hated. I was a bitter, resentful bastard. I was
arguing with Justen (as we always do...), but I was taking
it way too seriously. It didn't even make sense for me to
be mad about it, yet I was. It sucked.

On Friday, I was having the usual argument with Ashley
about how I shouldn't be bitter. I said, "If I truly love
her, then shouldn't I let her be happy? Whether that is
with me of Andrew, or anybody else?" Ashley, with her
infinite wisdom (yeah right....) said "But parents love
you, and they don't let you do everything you want to do to
be happy!" "But isn't this a different love?" Class
ended, and we started walking through the halls, where we
met up with Matt, and, surprise surprise, he agreed with
his girlfriend. Then we saw Violet in the hall, and after
I finished saying the thing about letting her be happy
again, Matt found a sock on the ground and said "I think
if you truly love her, you should throw a sock at her." He
then threw the sock at her. That was pretty funny. But
what I found as odd was that she moved out of the way when
he said that, meaning she could hear everything we were
saying. Now, I am a pretty (by pretty, I mean extremely)
loud person, so I guess it doesn't surprise me that much.
But I hope she knows that we weren't just saying that
because we saw her and that it wasn't just some ploy to get
her back. The only way I would want her back was if it was
because I loved her and she loved me again.

I'm not even safe in my dreams now. I had a dream three
nights in a row with her in them! They were basically the
same thing. We just sat there, close together, watching
T.V. I could feel the warmth of her body. Then I woke
up. It sucked. I mean, one dream, okay. But not just
three, but three in three consecutive nights?! This is
ridiculous. Does anybody else think my subconscious is
trying to tell me something?

I am now going to tell you about my plans for our sixth
anniversary. It was going to be great. I bought her a
Gameboy Advance for her birthday (not just that, so don't
get on me for not being un-romantic!), and I was going to
finish it for our anniversary. I got her a GameCube and
the game Animal Crossing. It was going to be so great. I
had it all planned out and everything. When she would walk
into newspaper that day, she would find a bouquet of
flowers on her chair. Then, in her mailbox thing, there
would be a note telling her to look under the table on the
other side of the room. There would be her present, nicely
wrapped and everything. October 25 was also the day that
the school paper came out. I was going to buy an ad in the
paper with a poem telling her how much I loved her and
other stuff like that. In the envelope with the card, I
would have the poem cut out of one of the copies of the
paper. It would have been the single greatest moment in
high school romance!!!!!! And she ruined it!!!! I was
going to ask Mr. Hohman (the advisor for the paper) if I
could buy the ad space on Friday, October 11. The day we
broke up. I was able to return the GameCube and get my
money back, but that's not the point. That would have been
great. I know that she never really necessarily wanted
expensive gifts, but she deserves them, and I loved her, I
wanted to show her that.

From time to time, I may post some lyrics from songs in my
Journal. If they sound deep, or are about love or
something like that, then they are conveying how I feel.
But if they are about a horse named Paul Revere or how
Istanbul used to be Constantinople, then it doesn’t mean
anything except that I like the song. All of them today
have meaning, though.


Daft Punk “Digital Love”
“Last night I had a dream about you
In this dream I'm dancing right beside you
And it looked like everyone was having fun
The kind of feeling I've waited so long

Don't stop come a little closer
As we jam the rhythm gets stronger
There's nothing wrong with just a little bit of fun
We were dancing all night long

The time is right to put my arms around you
You're feeling right
You wrap your arms around too
But suddenly I feel the shining sun
Before I knew it this dream was all gone

Ooh I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
I wish this dream comes true

Ooh, I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
We'll make this dream come true”

Stroke 9 “How Many People Wanna Kick Some Ass?”

"How many people wanna kick some ass? (I do, I do)
And how many people sick of holding it back? (I am) Well I
am, too
So don't lay another finger on her
She's mine and I still want her
If you put your hands upon her
You’re a goner – goner"

Shaggy “Lonely Lover”
"Girl could you hold me babe that would please me
Don't do this darling I hate when you leave me
You got me hooked girl this isn't easy
If you don't love me baby release me
Now girl we could dine pour us some wine
After the meal we can unwind putting my heart back on the
line
Girl it’s a fact you should be mine
Now mi no plan to spend another long lonely night
And a lay down in a mi bed a hug mi pillow up tight
No feel no way I man can't take the fuss and the fight
I rather make sweet love to you under the candlelight
I don't mind when you say that you're going away
I just don't want to be lonely
And I don't care if we spend only moments a day
I just don't want to be lonely"


And there you have it. That is what is inside of my head
right now. As you can see, I’ve had a kind of one-track
mind lately. But, that’s all that I can think of lately.
Oh well, I guess that’s life, huh?




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