2002-11-17 08:18:32 (UTC)

Tribal Screaming = Sweeeeeeeet!

You know, it seems like a good thing that i don't really
have a whole lot to write about. Lately, i haven't been
writing at all. I Think thats a good thing. I'm not
griping, complaining, or whining. Excepting the fact that i
miss Freda. I ask so much of her, and she delivers that and
more. I can't thank her enough. I miss you. I miss you so.

Graham (my older brother) is coming tomorrow. I haven't
seen him in a long long time. I guess about 4 months. That
may not seem like a long time to whoever is reading this,
but its hard. For a long time, he was my only friend, and
although sometimes i can't forget the past, i still try to
consider him as not only a brother but a friend. I don't
understand sometimes, why he has to make me feel so guilty
all the time. I don't particularily idolize (sarcasm) my
dad a whole lot, and Graham asks me to deliver him
respect...that i just don't have. I do find it appropriate
to visit him once in a while, but considering he left my
mom, me and Graham when we had no money, in the middle of
winter in Minnesota, left for Europe, married a friend of
my moms, never payed one cent of child support, divorced my
mom over the phone, and then 10 years later i see him for
the first time, and he expects me to treat him like i
actually know him. I'm not going to feel guilty, he is
going to pay back those ten years. But i guess, he has no
need to. He has his own kids, own family, own life. I guess
i'm just not a part of it. Thats OK, i guess. I've gotten
over it. Instead of the father i never knew fitting himself
into MY schedule, the son who he never wanted to know, or
have, or grow up with fits into his schedule. I don't fit
into anyones schedule, i don't deserve to be treated like
that. Unlike Graham, i don't rely on him as a means of
escape. To me its black and white. Although mostly i don't
believe in black and white, or right and wrong, in this
case its different. Its interesting now that i think about
it. To the black, everythings white, and to the white,
everythings black. Its a matter of fine, but subtle
semantic distinction.

Goddamn, my finger hurts like hell. I don't know whats
wrong with it. I can't type with my ring finger. Shit, i
hope i don't have another stupid thing wrong.

Have you ever heard of psychosomaticism? Its a theoretical
disorder in which a victim believe they have some ailment,
common or not, to the point where they actually develop the
symptoms. If they are aware of the symptoms that is. Its
amazing....the power of the human mind. I also read that
humans only use 12% of their brain. I thought that was
interesting as well. I read a book by a man who claims to
use 14% of his brain, and he says it only gives him
headaches and bizarre dreams. Speaking of dreams and how
they could possibly tell the future, i had a dream once and
the very next day a similar situation arose, which was very
shocking indeed. I don't know why im sharing this at all,
no one read this anyway. Ha. Ha.

I suggest you listen to the song Warehouse by Dave
Matthews. But just the version on the Live At Luther
College if you're able. This version is 9 minutes long and
Dave does some amazing tribal screaming/singing in the
beginning. Its amazing. I know i say everything is amazing,
but do you want to know the secret of life? Everything is
amazing. Everything is wonderful, bright, terrible, living,
dead, breathing, crying, speaking, sighing, flowing,
forgiving, leaving, starting, growing, dying, flying,
rising, decending, screaming, changing color, changing age,
changing mind, and hoping. Embrace it. Thats the secret of
life. Its very hard to do this. I'm not good at it, but i
try. Lately i've been trying a lot harder for some reason.

The other day, i was sitting in school, feeling emotionally
inebriated, looking out the window and listening to Saves
the Day on my discman. For some reason, while watching the
wind pick up and drop the leaves like sand, everything made
sense.It had nothing to do with the music or anything. I
just felt that way. Oddly, I felt like crying as well. I
physically can't though. I won't ever go into it, but i
think thats a relevant point. I watched the whole period,
my eyes aching to release. The wind flowing like a mother
scooping up her children with gentle arms of love only a
mother could posess. I sat there utterly transfixed by the
beauty and amazing life behind everything. While watching,
i can't explain it, i saw a tree and it.......changed.
Somehow. I can't explain. It was like seeing something
switch from black and white to color, but without knowing
what color was. How could you describe it? Thats how i
felt. All i can say is, i saw.....almost through it. I saw,
what was behind it, not physically, but theologically. If
that makes any sense. I saw what made it, what created it,
and what would take it away. It was sad, happy, beautiful,
and terrible all at once. My heart could not take it. All
my body could do was decide to cry, but i could not. I felt

I just realized i sounded like Ricky from American Beauty.
That wasnt intentional. That did happen, and thats how i
felt. If you think im trying to be cool by imitating a
movie actor then i have one word for you. Blow.

OK........i just heard some whispering in the room i'm in.
And considering its 2:17 AM and im alone, im kinda spooked.
I'm used to it though*. Goodnight everyone. Farewell. Its
time to do what i do best. Dream. Dream of life, dream of
Freda, dream of opportunity, dream of who i can be. I don't
mean to sound like one of those school inspirational
posters that say: "There is NO I in TEAM!!" I dream of what
i dream. If you didn't feel like being inspired, then don't
read my entries. Thank you very much. Goodnight everyone.

Remember, take care of others, and yourselves.



*See entry titled, "Coming out of the closet."

Note: I thought it was interesting how i started this entry saying i
didn't have too much to write about. Irony. Ha. I guess i still
surpise myself. Which surprises others. (insert Mr. Burns voice)

"The greatest adventure, is the decent into oneself." -Jairus Frigate

Nighty nighty! Turn out your lighty!*

*I have nooooo fucking idea hahah.