Eyes4Guys

Personal hell & back again
2002-11-16 18:32:50 (UTC)

He asked if I was ok

I was talking to Chris last night and I can't really run
anything past him. He knows me too well. Just by
understanding my words and how I'd say them by just reading
them, he knews something is up. So he asked me if I was ok.
I never really stopped to think about it, so I didn't know
how to answer.

How can I really answer that question? I don't want Chris
to know everything that is going on with me, what's really
going on in my head. He says that it helps him through the
Academy, but how can my problems help? He says that it
helps him to forget his, which are minor. But my problems
become him, and if he knows he can't help me, it gets to
him. So he watches me and hopes that I can pull through on
my own. Though he claims that I am strong, I'm sure he
knows that I am faltering. Slowly I will crumble to the
ground of I can't find a stone to step on to pull myself
up, without him.

It's just so many things are going on, I can't seem to
really get away from them. To start off, this really has
nothing to do with me, but she is a friend of mine and she
works with me. I see her struggle all the time.

Jackie is pregnant, again. I say again because she already
has a little baby girl, Isis. She is 4 months old, she is
so beautiful. But now Jackie is pregnant again. She just
turned 21, she can't have another child. She struggles
enough just trying to raise Isis. Ok, but here is the
thing: The pregnancy isn't her fault. She has this live-in
boyfriend of hers, such an asshole, who is the real reason
she is pregnant again. Yes, normally it takes two, but what
if you deny him and he decides to get it on his own?
Meaning, she can go without sex. She is just that type of
person, but Paul is such a fucking asshole that he fucks
her in her sleep. She wakes up and figures he's already in
and the damage is already done, so she just rolls over and
goes back to sleep. Paul never uses protection at all. He
never really has a job at all, so Jackie's paycheck from BK
has to get both of them through. Bills, rent, food, gas,
and then stuff for Isis. Now she has to pay for the doctor
visits and yet another child to take care of. To top it
off, he has a third child from a previous girlfriend. But,
here's the real kicker, he refuses to pay child support, so
guess who has to? Jackie with her money. Then Paul takes
some out of her account, their "joint" account to buy
whatever he feels he wants. His drug dealing job isn't
going too well right now, so he takes her money instead for
stupid shit (lights on the damn tires) Jackie is such a
sweet girl and I hate knowing that there isn't anything I
can do to help her. It's hard to see her struggle.

Especially since this pregnancy seems to be giving her a
hard time. Before, she had bad morning sickness (or so I
heard) but this time the pain won't go away. She has to sit
down every few minutes and "it feels like someone is
pinching me from the inside of the stomach with sharp
nails". There is a chance that she may miscarry. As much as
I don't want her to have this baby, I certainly don't want
her to miscarry either. She's just having a lot of
problems, especially at work. So I stay later to help her.
Yes, it is my job to help her and I get more hours. But I
end up staying later than I'm supposed to and I get really
tired. I came home tonight worn out and feeling rather sick
from all the fumes and having not eaten in a while. I
couldn't be able to eat anyway, all that grease and dirt
was starting to get to me.

Then my mother was in the hospital again. A few years back,
she had a lump in her lung. She was a chain smoker for many
years and finally quit when she learned that she was
pregnant with me. So for 20 years she's been clean. But
when I was maybe 12, my mom went into surgery to get the
lump out. They took a small portion that they felt was
going to be cancerous very quickly. Now, years later, when
the doctors said that the lump wouldn't return again, it
did. My mother is going to be 55 this July. She shouldn't
have another lump in her lung again. She was in the
hospital, I'm assuming she was taken home because she
wasn't in her room. I know they were going to do some
procedure to take out the lump. I don't know quite yet, but
I overheard that they were going to stick tubes down her
nasal cavity while she was still awake and try to take it
out that way. This may not be possible but it sure sounded
like what I heard.

I may not have a good relationship with my mother, but
damned if I don't care for her. This past year and a half,
we've grown a lot closer that we were in the 6 years prior
to that. My leaving home did this. We had our space and we
were able to live without each other. I'll be damned if I
don't worry about her. Seeing her in that hospital bed, IVs
in her arm, breathing machines by her bed, bruises on her
stomach from the allergy shots. It was rather
heartbreaking. Not knowing really what was going on till
she told me. She'll get through it just fine, the lump
isn't thought to be cancerous this time, but still, it's a
little fightening.

To top it all off, I have this guy at Subways that works
night shifts that won't leave me alone. He has a
girlfriend, and he knows about Chris but he still flirts.
He still touches me, comes up behind me and wraps his arms
around me, grabs my hips. Tries to lead me into the stock
room. Kisses my cheek and my forehead. I know this is just
how he is, he has no feelings towards me, but he's
attracted to me and I don't want him to be. I am flattered
by it all, but he's constantly around. He hasn't called in
the past few days, but I saw him yesterday when he came to
pick up his check. He had that look in his eye, the same
look he had when I knew he was contemplating if he shoudl
kiss me (and he did...ugh) I just finished my shift change
and left to go to my other job. I don't need this guy
around me right now. It's somethign about him. Jeff, at BK,
I can deal with. I don't mind his company or how he tickles
me. But it's something about Shawn that scares me a little.

So Chris is asking if I'm ok. I have these things in my
head, minor things really (except my mom) so it shouldn't
bother me. But I really miss Chris. 10 more days and I can
see him, I can pick him up at the airport. 10 more days. So
I guess when I'm lonely, not really having anyone to talk
to anymore, things get to you more. I was able to spend
time with Nessa on Wednesday, but we're both busy. Me with
my jobs, her with her boyfriend. Same with Steph. All I
have is Bill at work. Jeff seems to be wanting a close
friendship with me, we'll see how that goes. Maybe we can
be friends. I don't really have anyone here anymore. Once I
did, but things change. It's lonely here. I really miss
Chris, and all these stupid little things are getting to me
more and more. Maybe after Chris leaves, things will be
clearer when I've been able to spend time with him.





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