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Ezoic
2002-11-16 06:06:17 (UTC)

11/15/02 Hospital visit

I went to the hospital today, I have ovarian Cysts. I have
had them before. I have also been thru the hell of having
them removed. I was sick for 9 weeks and They keep comming
back. I was told the 1st time that birth control could
prevent them or Pregnancy could give me the chance to never
experience that pain ever again. I was 15 at the time I had
the first one removed the size of a soft ball, It was
horrible. Since then I have had 3. I have 3 currently, one
on my left ovary and 2 on my right. I weight about 95lbs
and the makin eating really difficult. throught out the
time I was in the hospital last time I lost 20 lbs. I just
gained it all back and its been 3 years! I looked horrible
for a really really long time. I always looked sick. Well
back to today. While I was in the emergency room my mom
and I talked about my options. There is a good chance that
if this keeps going the way it is I will never be able to
have kids. My boyfriend of over a year (I have known him 4
years) talked about having a baby now if there was a chance
that I wouldn't be able to in the future. The only thing in
the world I want are kids and my boyfriend is very very
aware of this. My mom, dad and grandma have talked about me
(being 18) having a baby now so that I wont be soo sick
anymore. My grandma over heard My boyfriend telling me he
wants to marry me and that he would do anything for me. She
thought I would have been pregnant along time ago. My
parents are very supportive of the decision and they are
letting me make it myself. I have made the decision to have
the baby now. My boyfriend wasnt at the hospital with me
because he was watching his friends try to win a car. Very
supportive huh?! I am really upset about that but he is
usually there for me when I need him, but this time he was
too far away and he didn't drive and I dunno there were
alot of things keeping him from me. After I left the
hospital I called him to tell him that we needed to talk
tonight. I got the about what about what tell me now. So I
told him. He said we would talk later. I don't think hes
going to support the decision now that it has really come
down to it. His mom would never go for it but its not her
decision Hes 20 years old. Its his life. I have considered
that if he will not have this baby with me I will get it
somewhere else. Artificial insemination. I will not live my
life with out having atleast one child of my own, thats my
only dream. If he chooses to do this with me thats great,
if he doesnt and he still wants to be with me then he is
the one who has to live with my baby not being his and if
he doesnt support the decision either way I know he doesn't
really care about my dreams and what I want. Also, if he
agrees to have this baby with me but doesnt want to be
apart of the childs life than thats his decision and I
would never ask him for child support or anything, Because
he is giving me the one thing in the world I might not be
able to have. I dont want anyones money I just want a baby
of my own before I die! As much as I love him and would
love for this baby to be his I have to make a decision for
myself. This is all I have ever wanted and I am going to
get it. My parents are very supportive and so is the rest
of my family. This has come up before. I have a fantastic
job for being 18 with no college education and I am
financially okay and the things I cant get my family will
be there for me. I am planning on keeping this diary
throughtout the whole process from telling my boyfriend, to
the pregnancy and the birth, maybe even longer than that. I
always give up on these things thou. I get preoccupied and
forget but this is something I need to do to keep myself
sane!


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