megan

listen to my silences
2002-11-15 18:38:26 (UTC)

my new voice mail?

hello and welcome to megan's psychotically posessed voice
mail. please listen carefully to the following options so
that we can direct your call to all the wrong places and
make you thoroughly pissed off.

if you are obsessive-compulsive, press one fifteen times to
the beat of baby got back and start over if you mess up.

if you are paranoid, hang up the phone and turn around
slowly.

if you have multiple personalities, press two, three, four,
and five. thank you, thank you, thank you, and thank you.

if you are clinically depressed, just don't press anything
as none of us wants to hear about your pathetic life.
we've got problems of our own, such as deciding how best to
misdirect your call.

if you have turret's syndrome, press SIX! SIX! SIX!

if you are a pathological liar, press seven NO! eight. now
you figure out which one is the truth.

if you suffer from short term memory loss, press nine.

if you suffer from short term memory loss, press nine.

if you suffer from short term memory loss, press nine.

if you suffer from short term memory loss, give up.

if you are calling to find out when anger management
classes are, POUND ZERO UNTIL YOU CAN NO LONGER FEEL YOUR
FINGERS!

if you are blind or think you may be blind, attempt to hang
up the phone and see how long it takes you so we can all
laugh at you.

if you are deaf or think you may be deaf...

if you would like to talk to an operator, you can't, as
they're all busy right now. and even if they weren't, they
wouldn't want to talk to you.

if you would like to talk to megan, obviously you can't as
she's not answering her phone right now. the cia, fbi, and
irs are not at liberty to discuss her whereabouts.

if you would like to leave a message, don't. she never
checks them. we won't let her.

if you would really like to talk to megan, keep calling
until she answers. but we can't promise that she will want
to talk to you either.

if you would like to hear these options repeated, hang up
the phone and call again.

if you are bi-polar and are happy right now: have a
horrible day. go to next sentence. if you are bi-polar
and are sad right now: have a great day. refer to previous
sentence.

thanks for calling megan's psychotically possesed voice
mail. remember: don't leave a message. and this isn't
megan on this voice mail. you just think it is. actually
it's a voice animated doll that megan was stuffed inside
until she lost her voice to it because she refused to lose
her virginity to a doll.

this wasn't meant to offend anyone. so if it did, well
you'll be okay. i'm partially obsessive-compulsive along
with some of some other things, and i'm not offended.

final thought: mike wyszowski!




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