someone_maybe

of little importance
Ad 2:
2002-11-15 18:14:07 (UTC)

regretful

itoldmysecretandnowi'mscaredoutofmymindyouhavenoideayoucan't
becauseidon'tknowwhyyoujustcan'tthere'snowwayiguessbecauseyo
u'renotlikethatandyou'dneverdosomethinglikethatbecauseyou're
toogoodofapersonanddon'ttellmeyou'renotiknowyoubetterthanyou
rememberbutiguessyouthoughtwellwebothdidthatyouknewmebettert
hanmetoosoiguessanything'spossiblebuti'msoafraidoflosingyouo
fturningandpushingyousofarawayfrommeandwhatitoldyouthisiswhy
i'venevertoldanyonenotevenmybestfriendwhatitoldyoulastnightb
ecauseiknownoonecanunderstandandi'mahypocritei'msuchahypocri
teandthatkillsmeinsideyouhavenoideahowmuchitripsmeaparttokno
wthisaboutmeineverwantedtosayoradmititbecauseifineversaidany
thingthenicouldthinkthatitwasn'ttruedoesthatmakeanysenseidon
'tknowiwantunderstandingsomuchbutidon'tdeserveitatallanyofit
fromanyoneideservetobeleftinthecoldbyeveryoneofmyfriendsbeca
usewellyouknowwhyandit'snotforanyoneelsetoknowrightnowandhop
efullyeverandwhyitoldyoulastnightidon'tknowiguessbecauseiwan
ttofixitandstopandiknowican'tdoitbymyselfbecausetherehastobe
someonetheretoholdmeaccountableandiknowyouwillandforsomereas
onidon'tthinkhewilliknowhewouldandhewouldstilllovemebutasfor
understandingidont'thinkthatisareasonablethoughtithinkhewoul
dbesohurtbymebecausetheniwouldn'tbewellmeifthatmakesanysense
iwouldn'tbemeinhiseyesofcourseithoughtthataboutyouandiwaswro
ngbutididthinkyouwouldhelpmewhetherornotitchangedwhoiwasandi
knowi'mdifferentinyoureyesnowiknowyou'requestioningmeandever
ythingi'veeverdoneandihatethatyouhavetodoitbutiknowyouhaveto
andiknowwhyandcan'tyouseethat'swhyican'tsayanythingaboutitan
dwhyididn'twanttoandwhyiregretsayingityetsomepartofmeisgladt
hatididmyheartiguessbecauseitwantsmetobeanorangecompletelyan
dnotagreenbutthenagaingreenisapartofmeabigpartandnooneknowsh
owmuchapartofmenotevenyouthoughyoudohavesomewhatofanideawell
justalittlebutthat'smorethananyoneelseanditscaresmealotawhol
elotandrightnowiwishiwasallgreensothatihadn'tsaidanythingbut
ican'tchangethepastandthat'sagoodthingiguessbutit'ssohardand
i'msoscaredoflosingyouandeverythingandeveryoneelseandican'td
othatican'thavethatitwouldkillmemorethanthissecretissoiguess
it'sthelesseroftwoevilswhichiswhyinevertoldanyoneandwhyican'
ttellanyoneandwhyididn'twanttotellyouourfriendshipmeansasmuc
htomeasmineandhisandidon'tthinki'veevertoldyouthatbutitdoesa
ndyouneedtoknowthatsonowifyou'vemadeitthroughreadingthisthen
youknowbutprobablyyoudon'tbutidon'twanttotellyoubecausethatw
illfrightenmeevenmoretothinkthatifilosethisfriendshipandever
ythingisquestionedofmeandmylifeifilosethatthenit'slikelosing
thatotherfriendshipsoicouldnevernevernevertellanyoneelseandi
needotherstoknowiguessbutican'thavethatandyouknowwhyandiwant
tosaybutican'tiwon'tletmyselfandi'vewantedtobeabletotellsome
onebutithinkimadeamistakeialmostamsurebutiguessi'llfindoutto
dayandipraythatyoucanfinditinyourhearttounderstandandforgive
meandeverythingandknowthatihavealwaysbeentruetoyouinasensein
thesensethatmattersthoughiguessitallmattersdoesn'titeventhel
ittlethingsandsometimesthosemattermorebuttheimportantthingst
houghiguessthey'reallimportantbutyouhavetoknowthatthosething
sididn'tdothattoididn'tandyou'vegottobelievethatihopeyoudoir
eallyhopeyoudobutifyoudon'ttheniunderstandbelievemeidoandtha
t'swhyi'msoafraidyouhavenoideayourememberthatonethingisaidi'
mafraidofandthati'mnotafraidofanythingelsenowdoyouseewhyi'ma
fraidofthatdoesitallmakesensenowandyouseethatihavereasontobe
afraidofthatwhereasbeforebasedonyourpreviousknowledgeofmeyou
'dsayihavenoreasontobeafraidofthatbutnowyouknowidoandiamsomu
chmoreafraidofthatnowandiwishsomuchthatididn'ttellyoubutmayb
enowi'llhavesomepeacesomeformofitanywayandmaybeicanchangebut
ifyoujustdowhatithinkyouwillwithwhati'vetoldyouthenitwillbes
omuchharderiwanttochangeandicandoitonmyownithinkbutiknowifih
avehelptheniwilldefinitelychangebutwhowouldwanttohelpafterth
atwhowouldwanttohelpafterfindingoutmysecretandwhywouldtheywa
nttoiknowwhatyoutoldmeyesterdaybuttellingmesomethingandmeani
ngitaretwodifferentthingsiofanyoneshouldknowthatsonowi'mbegg
ingyounottoturnfrommethoughiknowyouhavetoacertainextentuntil
you'vefiguredoutexactlywhat'sbeengoingonwithmeandiunderstand
thatbutpleasedon'twalkawayijustidon'tknowwhatiwoulddotherear
ethingsiknowiwouldn'tdodon'tworryaboutthatbutidon'tknowhowiw
ouldchangebecauseiwouldknowthaticouldn'tfixanythingifitoldan
yoneelsethatialreadyknowicouldtellacompletestrangerbutthatwo
uldnotaccomplishanythingsopleasedon'twalkawayfrommeineedyoui
needyouineedyouineedyouineedyouineedyouyouhavenoideahowmuch.

i meant to type like that. believe it or not. that's just
how fast everything was coming out. and is coming out.
but i'm okay guys. really i am. i'm going to be okay
too. hopefully no one can read that and probably no one
will take the time to. which really is okay because i only
wrote it to get out what i was feeling. and if someone
does...well there's only one person who it'll mean anything
to. other than those of you who will say what's going on?
tell me i'll listen. i KNOW you will don't you see that?
i'm not completely blind. my vision is twenty fifty yes
but i have contacts in so i can see fine. i just don't
want to...can't...talk. please understand. but if you
don't...whatever. i didn't think you would.

-s_m


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