leigh

clean slate
2002-11-15 15:35:10 (UTC)

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if you actually read this, i'm sorry.
i am so angry with you for taking everything i had to give
and then throwing it away like garbage. it's like an
investment where now i have no return. i never trusted
anyone like i trusted you. i never gave myself so
completely to anyone. i told you how vulnerable i felt with
you and you promised not to hurt me. now i'm hurt and alone
and so scared and you're content to leave me here shivering
and forsaken.
i saw both of you and i just wanted to cry. i hate how
distant you are from me now. i crave closeness but maybe
i'll never have that with anyone again. you have shut me
out. maybe you did a long time ago.
you'll never know how much it hurt me when you stopped
wanting to kiss me, when you stopped desiring me. do you
know what that does to someone, when even the person who's
supposed to love you just stops wanting you?
all of that last week i was so busy being depressed within
myself that i didn't even realize how you were estranging
yourself from me. maybe they're tied together. i made a
lot of excuses. i listened to your reassurances but they
were bullshit, because what i feared most, happened.
you made such a quick decision and i'll never believe that
you didn't know it all along. you were just waiting until
you knew you had someone else lined up.
well i don't have anyone else. and i won't for a long time.
unlike you with your apparently inexhaustible supply of
girls who like you (all of whom are, of course, more
attractive and sexier than i am) and want to fuck you.
lucky you. i wonder if i'll ever have sex with a girl
again. maybe i'll never find someone. maybe i'll go back
to guys.
at least when guys fuck me up it's not a surprise. it was a
shock, coming from you. i expected better from you. and i
think you're incredibly selfish. you were committed to me.
i made love to you and i invested my time, energy, and love
in you... all based on the premise that we were more than a
passing phenomenon. i thought i meant enough to you that
even if we had to be awkward for awhile, you would
eventually come back home.
and maybe i was never home to you.
and maybe you never were in love with me.
yeah. that hurts.
if you actually read this, i'm sorry.




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