Hauntednacho

Nacho's Thought-chos
2002-11-15 12:55:28 (UTC)

witch bitchin' 11/15/02

So I wonder if anyone has read any of my entries yet?
Kinda curious. I wish this thing had something that
said "This many people have been reading your journal..."
Bah. Regardless, another day, payday at that! I'm not
sure how I feel about my physical appearance at the
moment. I miss my big beard. No the nose looks bitchin'
with a septum ring and side piercing, I have pretty nice
eyes...my attractiveness is not in question. Well, I can't
explain. I like my hair longer, but it inevitably poofs
out and makes me look like I have a really big head. So I
shaved it. It's about 1/2 in. long. I should realy go
over it again. Hmmm. Maybe I'll Bic it. I want to lose
weight. I was doing so well, an then finals happened. U'm
not fat, just big boned...right. In all honesty i'm not
fat, I just FEEL fat...does that mean I have an eating
disorder? Maybe I'm just not comfortable in my own skin.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could astral project and
inhabit another body? See differently, feel differently,
experience the world from a whole new viewpoint...
Hrm. So i haven't called the girl about the apartment
yet. I feel bad. I don't want to leave my friend an dher
daughter stranded. Not that they won't get by. But every
cell in my body is saying to move to Somerville, not
Attleboro.
I wish P. were out of prison. Iw ish he'd come see me and
tell me that he was wrong-he made a mistake and he's not
scared anymore of being committed. I wish he'd take me in
his arms and tell me that what I'm doing is good. That
I'll make it. And he'll whisper to me the words sung by E:
"Someday the world will be ready for you, and wonder how
they didn't see."
I can fantasize, can't I?
Fucking cactus. I bought the damn thing almost a year ago
and brought it to work. Then one of my coworkers took it
becaus eshe needed something green at her desk. Then she
neglected it. There were three little cacti in the pot,
now only one. And it is strugging for survival. I wonder
if it would be more humane to put it out of its misery.
I've never had a green thumb. I love plants, mind you, and
being a Taurus and therefore an earth sign, I should be
good with plants. But I'm not. I'm gifted with animals,
though. And empathy. Sometimes it's hard to seperate what
emotions are mine and what emotions are someone else's.
The man sitting next to me on the bus. The woman crying on
the street corner. I don't know how big a radius it is,
but I can FEEL them. I can feel people who are close to
me. Occasionally I even catch a glimpse of their
thoughts. I know the thoughts are not mine. They're
hollow sounding and in strange voices I've never heard-and
have absolutely nothing to do with me. When this happens I
get frightened and worry that I might be going crazy.
Physical contact is scary sometimes. That's when I pick up
emotions the strongest, and when I'm most likely to catch a
stray thought. Massage school requires that I make the
most intimate physical contact, hand to naked skin, with
another person. And I feel what they do. Sometimes it's
wonderful, sometimes it's not. I doubt my psychic
abilities and shrug them off because of what society thinks
of the matter. It's getting to a point where I can't
ignore the alien thoughts and voices in my head, the
feelings I seemingly absorb from other people. I can sum a
person and whether or not we will get along/they are good
person within the first 30 seconds of meeting them. I'm
never wrong. Yet. My close friend, whom I also consider
my spiritual advisor, is trying to help me develop these
abilities, gain some sort of control. I guess working magic
really does bring out these abilities. I've ben neglecting
my faith an spirituality as of late, but I must get back on
track. I cannot abandon my gods, for the universe will not
abandon me.




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