Reality Check
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2001-08-16 16:19:38 (UTC)


When I first moved down here, I started dating this guy
named Lee. His best friend was Ryan. When I sat at Lee's
table, me and Ryan would always tease on each other, ya
know, just messin around. Then one night he called me, and
we talked for about 3 hours. I guess that's where it all began.

Practically every night me and Ryan would talk all night
long about anything and everything. Eventually I ended up
breaking up with Lee and going out with Ryan. We dated on
and off. I kept breaking it off every time we got seriously
too close. But every time I broke up with him we ended up
getting right back together. And even if we weren't going
out, I still loved him, and I could always talk to him. We
were best friends.

The last time I broke up with him we drifted apart. That's
when I started dating Daniel, and Ryan didn't approve of
him. Then when he found out what me and Daniel did, he
didn't want anything to do with me. We talked, and he still
didn't like what I did, but he wasn't completely frustrated
with me anymore. Or so I thought.

Regina told me Ryan was mad at me. So I called him. He said
he wasn't mad. But then he said straight out, point blank
that he didn't want to talk to me or see me or hang out with
me ever again. I just hung up on him. I was heartbroken, but
I wasn't giving up. He wouldn't tell me why, but I was
convinced I was going to get it out of him. I'm sorry I did.

I called him today. I told him I want to know why, and when
he asked why I wanted to know, I told him that I care about
him too much to let him go, and I love him. He was like,
"Why do you have to love me. Why can't it be someone else."
That made me feel good. He said he didn't love me. But by
the next thing he told me it doesn't sound like he doesn't
love me anymore. He said he's trying to get me out of his
mind and it's not working. Last year he almost failed most
of his classes, and he said it was because of me. Because
all he could do was stare at me and think about me and
that's why he got poor grades. He said all his friends keep
asking about me and he starts thinking all over again, and
he can't stand it. How does he tell me he doesn't love me
when basically all he can think about is me?

So basically the bottom line is I'm the reason he's doing
poorly in life because he can't stop thinking about me and
he's just trying to move on. I want to do whatever makes him
happy, but just shutting me out from his life is not going
to make himself forget about me. I know, I've tried to do it
before. If he can't stop thinking about me then it's gonna
keep continueing to be that way unless he does something
about it. I know him. I know he's not going to be happy just
trying to forget about me. I wish he would realize this.
Even if I know we would probably never be together again, I
still love him and I still want to be able to have long
conversations with him and be able to talk with him. But I
guess I should respect what he wants. It's just really hard,
ya know? When you love somebody that much, how do you let
him go? How do you see him in the hallways every day and not
say hi or make eye contact for his benefit so that he can go
on with his life and be happy....when you know all you wanna
do be with him?