A couple of nights ago, after I had written the last entry,
I couldn't hold back any more and I told her exactly how I
felt about her going out with her ex. About how just the
thought of them together, the thought of him being near
her, thinking things about her, wanting to hold her and
fuck her upsets me so much that I want to die. I told her
that all I'd been able to think about all day at work was
him being with her, touching her, kissing her, making her
happy. I asked her if he makes her more happy than I do.
She didn't reply, just cried.
She then told me that she had been crying cos she felt bad
about making me unhappy and that I do make her happier than
We kept talking for a couple of hours, telling each other
how we felt about things, although I can't help not believe
her. I know that's a horrible thing to say but just with
some of the stuff she said it sounded too good to be true
kinda thing. But hey, if that's what she's going to tell me
than that's what I have to believe.
I went to work the next morning (yesturday) so happy. I
felt like life was worth something again (and I've not
really felt like that for a long time). Then I fucked
things up again. I had to go over to our other local office
to cover for missing staff, as the person who was supposed
to cover went to work from home. This was fine as I was
supposed to be going back over in time to see my girl and
go home with her.
All I had to do before I went home was set up some PCs (I'm
a systems engineer by the way). Then someone else went
home. Shit. I had to stay there till 5 oclock. My
girlfriend had said she was going to go home at 4:30 so I
assumed she had gone as I'd sent her an email which she
hadn't opened. But I was wrong. She phoned up and I sad I'd
be there in a couple of minutes but she had gone.
Then, whilst setting up the PCs she sent me a text message
saying if I wasn't going to be coming home she'd go out.
This was just as I was leaving so in about 10 minutes I
was home. She hadn't gone out. She said she didn't want to.
After appologising for being late (c'mon I gotta work) I
asked who she was going with. Guess who... the ex.
My heart sank. After everything we'd talked about and she
was going to go out with him the very next day.
I went to sit down. She came in, sat next to me, picked up
a magazine and just ignored me. I could've cried I was in
so much pain. She knows the effect she has on me but still
does it, just to punish me I presume, and it works.
She hardly said a word to me all night. I finally got too
pissed off with it and just made her tell me what was going
on. She just said she'd had a bad day at work. That me
being late had pissed her off but it didnt matter (I wish
she'd said that from the start rather than denying it) and
that she was just in a bad mood (my guess was that it's cos
she hadn't gone out with him)
So it was a horrible evening. She said more in text
messages to someone (hmm, now who could that have been???)
than she did to me.
Then bed time came. She was being a bit more amicable but
still just straight into bed and light off. I asked her
what she was thinking (we always have to do this, there is
never any conversation, just Q&A). She said she had
suddenly thought of what it would be like if I kept seeing
my ex and that it had really upset her (well, isn't that
what I was saying all along, but I'm not one to gloat). I
said it wasn't her fault and that it was me that had the
stupid hang ups. I was glad she was looking at it like that
though. I don't know if it will make a difference. When I
hear her tell me she loves me and then saw what she had
written in her diary I just couldn't believe her any more.
Oh well. We'll see how it goes.
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