A Dreamer's Playground
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2001-08-16 09:23:27 (UTC)

No Longer Content

What is wrong with me? Just merely a few minutes ago
I was extremely happy and now I am like lost in this never
ending swirling abyss that will swallow me whole and spit
me out empty. I'm half lost, half empty.
What is it that is happening to me? I no longer feel
jealous of my sister and from how my life was perfectly just no longer is.
I suppose the reason is partially because I haven't
talked to Tony in a while. I just don't know where he is.
We talk every single night...the highlight of my day. Well
if you can call it a day.
I tend to sleep my life away and seek happiness in my
own eternal hell by chatting at night to all those who make
me happy. Tony makes me happier than anyone else can.
Sure, at moments, someone will be funny or
entertaining and so I am amused for the time being...but it
doesn't seem to last very long.
I'm not sure why, but for some reason I just really
long for someone capeable of holding a real conversation.
With their views on issues or ideals on anything that comes
to mind. Not like normal chat conversations where you wait
for ten minutes expecting the person to say something but
they're merely ignoring you or they just don't care.
Perhaps I should write to Nathan again. I love his
views on everything. His every word can be made poetic and
with such beauty and it tears my mind away from the
depressive thoughts that linger within my brain just
seeping out from being just barely hidden.
I just don't see how in Tony's eyes I'm the most
perfect girl in the world. My mind is dark and evil and it
rarely tends to remain upbeat. I just hope that when I'm
with him, all of this will finally change. Earlier I
thought it had. I suppose not.
Again I ask what is wrong with me? I should be happy
right? To have found love and be loved in return? It
should be never ending thoughts of joy...and yet, it's not.
I feel this is some disease that has plagued me.

Wow. I only hope I can be cured.

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