An American Soap
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2001-08-16 09:15:09 (UTC)


Well, it's been one year since my husband asked me to come
back to him. It hasn't been easy, in fact it's been damn
difficult. I trust him no more today than what I did a
year ago. I wish I could just pack up and go. I keep
telling myself that there's no one standin on my shirttail
but here I remain. :( I can't say that I'm happy. In
fact, I'd say the reverse is true. It makes me hurt more
in many ways. I miss the close contact when we go to bed,
not sex (although that's in same sorry condition)but the
way we used to hold each other, even hold hands under my
pillow as we slept. But like everything else it's like
rubbing salt in a raw wound. My husband still doesn't seem
to grasp the sheer enormity of what he's done.
Anniversary? Ha! I don't consider a marriage anniversary
an anniversary when all it does is commemorate lies. I
have several anniversaries a year with my husband. Which
one do I choose to talk about. How about the most recent?
That would be the fiasco when I was in LA last summer. An
anniversary of more lies, weakness and heart shattering
pain. That's what ALL of my anniversaries consist of! I
can't help but ask, no, scream WHY????

Part of me is even more frightened as our daughter has left
for a full month. Last time she did that was the all time
best month of my marriage. Unfortunately, it was followed
by my husband destroying me, our children, our home, our
LIVES. And for what? One, very screwed up, very, very
young WHORE. I can't help but hurt because I can't help
but think that that is what our daughter's and my lives
meant to him.

My body carries the physical proof of his betrayal. I have
physical pain from it virtually all the time. Yet, here I
sit! What kind of fool am I???

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