This is the beloved air I breathe
2002-11-14 16:14:53 (UTC)


Sometimes I wonder why I write this. I wonder if anybody
ever reads what I write. My initial motive for writing this
online journal was so that I could share with others, the
things that God has been teaching me in this life.
I hope that God is using this journal in the way that I
intended. One thing that I have learned about God is that
He uses everything. Even if I do not know it, He's using
everything in my life.
"Every good and perfect gift comes from the father above"
I whish that I could cite the scriptures I know more
often. I'm sorry. I have it written on my heart, but I
don't always do as good of a job as I know I should at
memorizing scriptures and where they are.

So, I had this cool experience last night.
I must first preface it by backing up a little bit. I made
a decision in September that I wasn't going to date for a
year. This was a decision that came with lots of thought
and prayer. It was actually something I thought was a
funny joke when it was first presented to me. "Well, that
may be good for some people, but I've already done the 'not
dating' thing and I'm not at that place right now" "God
and I, We've got it all worked out" hehe, words of a fool.

So, as you know, there is this guy that I'm in love with.
It's been quite some time now since I have realized that
I'm in love with him and since that time not too much has
happened by way of romantic maturation. At this point we
are pretty close friends as we are a part of a group of 5
who are knit closely together as best friends. He's not
interested in me at this point. And he's not interested in
a relationship.

Remember what I said before I went to California? I was
going to serve God because I knew that I was being called
there, but also I knew that God was going to give me a
clear answer about this guy. I was going to come home
knowing whether things were meant to be between us. All
last year I was working through my trust in God in this
situation, but I was frustrated because I wasn't sure if
what I was hearing was my own desires and wishes or if it
was God speaking to me. What I've ultimately concluded is
that this whole thing is just totally of God. Let me tell
you that this was not my idea from the beginning. In fact,
lol, the first time I met him I thought he was a dork (I
don't want to know what his first impression of ME was :)

Well, I came back from Cali just knowing that God was in
control of this whole thing. Our semester started out
good, but, like I said, at this point there is nothing
there. He's not interested in me in that way.
There is so much more to all of this than the simplistic
way that I'm describing it here, but you know, this is the
general gist.
Sometimes I'm just so fulfilled in the fact that I know
that God is all I need and I'm fine, but there are other
times when this guy will do something that will just make
me realize just what a great guy he is, or something will
happen and I'll just be struggling so much with my emotion
and desire for him. I know that this is of God because of
the very nature of this love. It's so different than any
other perception of love that I've ever had. If I tried to
describe it to you, it wouldn’t' sound any different, but
it is. It's not about me and my fulfillment. I don't
necessarily want my needs met by him, but what I desire
most is to be able to meet his needs. I want to be able to
love him and provide for him serving him with myself. I
guess you could say that the same way that I desire to
serve God with my life in a Holy sense, I desire to share
my life with this guy in an earthly sense.

Well, back to the story...I was getting caught up in this
at the beginning of the year. I was starting to wonder
when everything was going to happen, reading into every
action that this guy made until eventually I was just
like "enough!". I know in my heart that it's going to be
at least a year before anything happens between us. I'm
only a sophomore in college. I have a long ways to go.
He's graduating this year, but he's not ready for a
relationship at this point - he's said so himself. So, in
an effort to glorify God and to focus myself more
concretely on God, I made a decision not to date for a
year. Sep 30, 2003. Does this mean that on October 1st
I'm going to go out on a date? Probably not. I made a
decision a year and a half ago not to date for four months
and after that four months was up, I still didn’t' date.
Mostly just because I'm not into casual dating. I wouldn't
just date anybody. I mean, I hang out with tons of people,
but I don't just date. There is too much grounds for
heartbreak, and too much of an opportunity to give my heart
away to the wrong person.
I know that I'm in love with this person and I'm waiting
for him. I'm waiting until the time is right - until he's
ready and until I'm ready. I'm not ready yet.
So, last night was laying in bed thinking about this guy.
It's hard for me sometimes. I was thinking about what it
would be like to date him etc... the thing is that at night
when I go to bed, I have set that time aside as God's
time. That's the time I spend praying, reading my bible
and talking to God. The more I was thinking about this
guy, the more agitated I became and the more agitated I
became, the less satisfied I was becoming. (not to mention
I wasn’t spending my committed time with God either.) Then
the coolest thing happened: I decided to give it over to
God. I just started talking out loud to God. "God, I'm
struggling with this"… You know what the coolest thing
was? I was completely comforted. It didn’t' happen all of
a sudden, in fact I didn't even notice until I was done. I
pulled out my journal and wrote how I was feeling in the
form of a conversation with God. By the time that I closed
my journal to go to bed, I noticed that I was in complete
peace in my heart about the whole thing.

This summer, as I was trying to figure everything out, I
remember telling God that if this whole thing with this guy
was not of Him, to please take it away. If it was of Him, I
knew that, no matter how hard, I could wait as long as He
was calling me to wait because He was going to give me the
strength. Even now I think about it an I’m like “a year,
that’s such long time”. But I’m trusting God.

Now some of you are thinking that I’m going to grow up and
become an old maid because I’m going to spend my whole life
waiting for someone who is never going to come around. I’m
open to the possibility that this guy is not for me. But
what I understand is that this process is something that
God is using in my life. When I say that this is of God, I
do believe it is, but He may have very different intentions
in mind for my future than I have for myself. These
intentions may be hard for me to accept when they first
come, but I hold fast to the fact that I trust God so much
more with my future than I trust myself with it.

When I started writing this today, I didn't know what I was
goign to write about, but I managed to whip out two pages.

well, have a great day!