starry nite

my own world
2002-11-14 03:54:33 (UTC)

i will let you down....i will make you hurt

this is my email to david, b/c i dont feel like writing it
all again...this is what im feeling

so i think this is like the 3rd email ive written you...i
dont know why i keep writing, i should wait til you have
had time to write back before i write another email. i just
dont have anyone else to talk to....besides i like talking
to you the best. i was reading through lots of old emails,
1st ones from shaun...man, he was such a wonderful
friend...i hae that we havent hung out in so long....and
that his comp is broken, thats why we never get to talk
anymore.....he truly was a great friend.....then i was
reading some of your old emails. from this time last year,
actually from oct. of last year....you have also been a
wonderful friend to me. i just sat here for a long time
listening to Hurt by NIN and reading old emails....and
crying.....im hurting so badly...i want to cut...i really
do....i want to die.....i cant take this pain.....i hate
being alone. in one of the emails you wrote me it said i
was lucky to have someone like james....maybe i was. maybe
my thoughts i have before were right. i could never do
better then that. i dont deserve better. i keep going back
to thoughts like these...and its probably because its true.
who the fuck wants me? no one. i am nothing. worse then
nothing...becuase i am alive...just unnoticed...and
unimportant.....i cant stop crying. its been a long time
since i cried. i usually can distract myself, ignore my
feelings enough so that i dont cry.....fuck, fuck, fuck. i
am not ever going to get better. i am treated like shit by
people i treat well, i am not important to anyone, i am
stupid, my grades are not going to be what they need to be
this semester...and i have worked hard, and done my
work.,...i just cant get all A's and B's this time....its
not possible..it is too hard....im not special....i have no
talents.....im not pretty.....even james knew i was
basically worthless.....everyone who gets to know me knows
this........i know you dont think these things.....give it
time.....if you met me you would.....i think you know that
deepdown......we wont ever meet.....b/c you know i wont
live up to your expectations.....maybe you dont even have
high ones....maybe you know what a fucking loser i
am....you probably do...and just say otherwise to keep me
safe becuase you are so wonderful.....thats probably it.
you just look out for me.silly girl.....why did i eve
believe the nice things people said.....in the end i have
always been shown by the same people that i wasnt
important....that i was 2nd choice.....i should have
learned before......stupid stupid girl....why didnt i
learn?.,.....why did i not realize people treat me like
shit because thats what i am.....it doesnt matter how i
treat them b/c i am nothing....it isnt that they are bad,
or inconsiderate....its me who is nothing........baby,
listen.....i am sorry.......for everything....deny
everything i say if you want....we both know its all
true....i cant stop crying.....FUCK!!! ok, im going to
go.....sorry.....




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