Lost In My Life
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2001-08-16 03:36:40 (UTC)

Hectic and Confused...

Well... my life right now is really hectic and
confusing.. hence the title! I guess I just really don't
know what I want anymore. Actually I don't think I ever
knew what wanted. I constantly feel like I am making the
wrong decisions. About love, about friends, about just
everything. I mean... Especially about love. I always like
these guys that are totally wrong for me and would never
work out. While there are great guys right under my nose.
Recently I feel like my lines between friendship and love
are becoming smudged just a little to much in my mind. I
can't decide which one I want to be. Especially when it
comes to this one guy. He is so great. He treats me great.
Well... at least most of the time. I mean we have our times
when I get angry with him. But everyone does. I mean he
buys me gifts and always makes me feel great about myself.
Even when I havn't been the nicest person in the world to
him. I tell myself I don't want to be more than friends and
feel like he finally feel the same way about me which
should make me happy and usually does until he moves on to
someone eles. I don't know if you know what I mean but it
just feel bad to think that I'm in the past.. you know. I
think I am just afraid that if he doesn't want to be with
me and he moves on to someone else than he is going to
forget about me. And I really love our friendship. I think
I feel like this because it almost happened once already.
But I should be able to trust him that it wont happen again
shouldn't I. He always says that it hurts his feelings that
I can't trust him but it is just hard for me. I am begining
to think that I have trust issues. DON'T YOU!? HAHA. What
ever. I don't want to think about this anymore. Sorry if I
am boring you with this long blab of nothing even remotely
important. HAHA. But that is what I do best. I think I will
feel better once my friend comes home, so I can talk to
someone about this. I just need to get it out and I feel
like I shouldn't be saying this to him because I don't want
to make him made. So I will just wait for craig to come
home. I miss him bunches.

Love always,