Faerie Onyx

Tis The Faerie
2002-11-14 02:16:06 (UTC)

Only One Thing...

I love Brian with *most* of my heart, but I cannot give it
all away to him... I love Taylor with the rest.

There, if anything, is only one thing standing between
Brian and myself... and that is my stupid infatuation with
Taylor. I wish I could just rid myself of the impulses to
run into his arms for comfort, but I can't...

I can't imagine myself spending the rest of my life with
Taylor, the lying, cheating bastard, but somehow, despite
everything he has done to me, he still makes me happy. I
don't understand how! He doesn't deserve a damned thing,
but I can't help but find him, of all people,
irresistable. I would rather throw myself at the feet of
the devil in the pits of hell and slit my wrists, letting
the blood flow onto his steel-toed boots than ever hurt
Brian again... But having Taylor there just makes it so
hard for me!

The mental anguish this is causing me is unceasing,
unyeilding! I've racked my worn-out brains for hours upon
hours without end, and all I've come up with is a damnable
headache. A headache, can you believe it? And if that
wasn't enough, the sun finally came out which soured my
mood and worsened my headache.

All I wanted to do was to lock myself in my sanctuary, my
room, but I could not even be granted that little thing.
No, first my guitar teacher came over, and I love him to
death, but NOT TODAY!!! Then, oh then, we had a family
dinner. It was all I could do not to let the tears fall.
Never let them see you cry, you are strong. But I know I'm
not strong, my grandmother was strong... she could rid
herself of the pain as I won't. I envy her still, having
the strength to load the bullets in the gun, to pull the
trigger... If only I could be that strong, but I can't
even cut myself anymore.

I wish I had never known Taylor. Then I wouldn't have a
problem at all because he's the only thing keeping me from
loving only Brian. But that's not the case. I will have
to find some way to get by this...

~faerie~




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