life thru my eyes
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2002-11-13 14:45:25 (UTC)

Ah, my tangled web

it has been longer than a while since i've written. i
guess i didn't feel the need to vent my thoughts until now
when i have so much on my mind. its been an interesting
week...i guess i'll start at the beginning:

about 2 weeks ago i broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years.
u know in the movies when women leave their
husbands/boyfriends because they have to "go find
themselves". yah, everyone in the theater thinks "thats
fucked up, thats a lie". ok, now i understand these
women. thats why i broke up with him, we'll just refer to
him as "the x" in order to resolve further complications.
i just feel like i need some time on my own before i can
settle down with one person for the rest of my life. the
truth is, i still love him...very much. thats why the
whole situation is hurting me too. i know for a fact that
i want to spend the rest of my life with this one person, i
just don't want to start until i've "found myself".

so...we promised that we would still stay in touch in
remain in each other's lives but that we would be truthful
when it came to other people. so we had been talking on
the phone as friends and he was even going to come hang out
with me over this next weekend. but i think i've fucked
that up now.

this weekend, i went to visit my friend who's in college.
i'm a senior in high school and i plan to go to college
where she's at. this isn't the first time i've gone to
visit, i went a few weeks ago, too. well, while i was
there i became the typical college student. i got messed
up and slept with a guy that i'd only known for a few
days. he's a great guy, though, really cool. i like
spending time with him, this just wasn't the way i had
intended to do that. i'm not the kind of person who just
sleeps with anyone. besides my x, he's the only other guy
i've ever been with. i guess i hadn't really expected
anything like this to happen. but it did. and now i've
started to kinda like this new guy. but its hard to
balance all this. i feel so guilty for being in love with
my x but kinda having feelings for this new guy.

well, my x is still upset about our whole relationship, not
that i blame him, but he is. so when it all came out that
i had slept with someone else he lost it. he's so angry at
me, but once again, i don't blame him. he doesn't
understand that i can love him so much but still go out and
do something like this. but hey, i don't understand that
either. so my x told me last night on the phone that if i
expected to communicate with him anymore i couldn't like
other people. we're not together so how can he give me a
choice like this? but i guess he has. so now i have to
decide...the love of my life or someone new. i hate this.