a chick called Sam

I am sam's inner thoughts
2002-11-13 12:44:46 (UTC)

i don't know what to do anymore

Recently I've been subjected to sheer hell.

Before, from time to time I would become a little
depressed, over such matters as my slightly broken home. My
parents live together, though sleep in seperate
rooms...they stayed together for the childrens sake.My
mother hasn't spoken to him willingly or unprovoked for
several years. Yet they continue to live in the same house.

Sometimes I think that us children would have been alot
happier, if they had arranged a divorce years ago rather
than this path that they had chose. Though my siblings and
I are mainly to blame for the way things are, we begged and
pleaded for them to stay together.

Recently the whole family's lives have gone down hill.

My father has temporarily abandoned us, abandoned his
responsibilities, and left to take a holiday. He said he
needs to sort his life, plan where he's going next. There
is no reason to doubt that he was too overwhelmed by this
chaotic, tireing, argumentative family. Though instead of
staying and helping this family confront their ghosts. He
leaves, runs away. Hipocrite, all these years he taught me
never to run away from my problems. Though on many
occasions I found it hard not to.
Though from what I have heard of his travels he doesn't
seem to be on the brinct of a neverous brakedown/mid-
...correction...end of life crisis. As my elder half sister
says. "Oh you should have seen him, on the end of his
tether." Give me a brake!! I'm sorry but I have to be
angry. At the moment he's finding things from thialand to
import into Britain and sell. Doesn't sound like a
rejouvenating brake.

-------------

My brother had carried out credit card frawd almost half a
year ago. My father involved the police, though my brother
managed to avoid the times when they called at our door.
Around three to four thousand pounds (english sterling) was
spent. There is the possibility that he might not realise
how much this is destroying our family. Financially wise,
emotionally, aswell as physically. Though what is killing
me more than anything, deep down a part of me believes that
he is fully aware of what is happening. Fully concious of
the problems, and what will happen. Yet he shows no
remource.

My mother and I had sat him down, begged him to stop this
credit card business and we would all start to repair the
damage. Low and behold, he's doing it again (only a few
days later). I'd never thought I'd admit to this, but I am
a gullable fool.

--------------

My mother, for her I feel the most. So much sorrow and pain
has occured in her life, I would wish that on no-one.

Beaten severeally by her father till her adult years, which
only came to an end when she was driven to run away from
her home.She was also raped at the age of 18.

When she met my father, that was when it all went down
hill. He married her, changed her from the great spirit she
was (so full of life), prevented her from ever visiting her
home country again (it was roughly 10 years since she had
the ability to visit her family). She had to put up with
his possesive, control and power obsessive personality.
Until one day she snapped and started destroying the house.
She's had her children swayed away from her at one point,
due to his lies. She was diagnosed with severe depression.
My father had accused her of being in need of spycological
help, and then tried to get her taken into care. Though she
was perfectly sane, just in diar need of an exit from their
marriage. She was threatened by my father, prenventing her
from ever leaving him with us, her children. He prevented
her from going to school in england, given the reason that
she has to stay at home and be the house-wife. He prevented
her from obtaining a job, then later blames her for being a
leach and draining him dry of his money. Which was not the
case, by the way. My mother is the least extravogant person
I know. The clothes she wears are hand downs from us
children. She needs not but the neccesities in life. At
present time my mother is suffering from sinatic nerve
probelms. Due to her back she is unable to get a job,
unable to go about her day to day chours. When my father
returns from his travels I belive he is going to apply for
a divorce. Then she will be left with nothing. Due to her
stubborness, she will not recieve any settlement money.
This is all because my fathers side of the family have
always believed that she married him for his money and
money alone. Where will she go, what will she do.

I might have to abandon college and try and support the two
of us.

--------------

My little sister (aged 14)...I know very little about her
though I've spent most of my life living in the same house
as her. She keeps herself to herself. Though I can see that
she is suffering a great deal. I see signs that she may
have great problems in future with social behaviour, the
growing inability to associate with those she doesn't know.
She feels uncomfortable when visitors arrive at our house,
she runs and hides in her bedroom, sometimes the kitchen.
Recently shes been avoiding school, I belive she may be
experiencing bullying about her weight. Though she does
nothing to help her weight, quite the opposite!! She eats,
then she's left with a viscious cycle. "I eat because I'm
depressed, and I'm depressed because I eat."

----------------

Finally myself. I don't know anymore.




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