Little Bird

Private Babbling
2001-08-15 20:05:58 (UTC)

2 Different Worlds

Dear Diary,

You are the only one to trust this story too. It is a
twisted and sick world we live in! I know you will
understand how I feel and what I’m going through.

Last Friday night I don’t even remember, that’s how long
this weekend was!

I was supposed to go camping this past weekend with
Charlie. We both pretty much decided it was going to be a
romantic interlude. Alone, camping with our horses…
beautiful weekend.

Let me remind you that Charlie is a black rodeo cowboy who
is old enough to be my Dad. We have a mutual respect for
each other because we both care/love our horses the same
way.
I’ve proven myself as a horsewoman in his eyes many times
and he has always been part of my life. I used to see him
at rodeos in the area and wonder about him. I had a little
crush on him, this is true but I never thought that one day
I would be this close to him, physically as well as
mentally.
I never held onto the fantasy of one-day being in his arms.
I’m not a buckle bunny and I feel that there is someone out
there for me but it’s proly not him but he awful close.
In the beginning I was happy to be his friend. I knew that
I would meet a lot of cowboys if I hung out with him. I
even assumed he would hook me up. All of that came to a
screeching halt this past weekend as far as I can tell.

Last week sometime Al dropped my Mother’s horse off at my
barn and let my colt out of his stall, proly hoping he
would get hurt. Charlie went to HT to ask Albert what the
Hell was going on. You don’t just take someone’s horse and
drop it off somewhere.
Al told him this story about my Mother telling him that
Charlie was going to take her to AZ. My Mom has a big mouth
and I had already told Charlie that she makes up
stories/relationships like that. In her mind everything
gets twisted and turns sinister. I can’t stand it!
Charlie had mentioned to her in a 15 minute phone
conversation that he was thinking about going to AZ for a
visit but he never invited her. He has a ‘woman’ who takes
care of him if he’s in a financial pinch and that’s fine…he
doesn’t need my egg sucking Mother hanging around.

Anyway, Al twisted my Mother’s inconsiderate attempts at
jealousy and assumed that she spoke true so the horse
stayed at the barn for about a week.
My Mother called around and found a spot to keep her horse.
She decided to take him back to Stacey’s. At first she was
going to sell him but she wants $5,000 just because he’s
black! He’s almost 11 years old and isn’t very well
trained. There is no way she’d get that kind of money.

So Saturday I went to the barn. I was hoping Charlie and I
could sneak out and leave that night but we had all kinda
people going in and out.
Al showed up and tried to start a fight with Charlie. When
he jumped out the truck Pin jumped out too and ran away. I
was in Comet’s stall and at first I thought Al had come to
get my Mom’s horse. Turns out he just wanted to fight.
Amber had a hold of Al’s leg, he ripped her off and smacked
her on the back. He was telling me to take Charlie’s horse,
we had just come off the trail after an excellent ride. I
squeezed out the stall and started to go past the men. I
told him to go to Hell & I don’t work there. He told me I
was bred to take the horse and I just rolled my eyes and
ran. Charlie asked me to call the police and threw Al into
a stall. Charlie’s g/f ran down to the barn to bark at Al
and of course made things worse.
When the police got there we told them what happened and at
first it looked like they didn’t really care too much. As
we were talking Al drove past. I saw him out of the corner
of my eye and I told the cops to go after him. They did BUT
they lost him somewhere in the trees of something. They
came back and told us they lost him but at the same time
another officer caught him on Rt 12.

So much for leaving that night! I called my Mom and she
came out. Charlie gave her Hell for almost getting him
killed and not once did she apologize. They made
arrangements to move Black first thing Sunday morning,
which turned out to be 2PM. Ha, g/f & I went with to move
him after the torture of talking to my Mom for a couple
hours.

Sat night Chris ripped his fingernail off in a door. I had
to take him to emergency. That was actually fun because I
was making him laugh the whole time.
My mom took Amber home and I went back to the barn w/Chris.

Charlie and I once again made firm plans to leave town
Sunday and I went home happy.

Sunday when I got to the barn Charlie was out on the bay
colt and it’s owners were there. SO we had to baby-sit them
a while. I like them so that was okay. Then the g/f would
not leave. Then the phone rang and he had to make plans to
get some money from a guy in Chicago. One thing after the
other!

Off we went to Chicago. Of course the g/f wasn’t too happy
about it but what can ya do?
I met some of Charlie’s friends and of course they were
cowboys and his age but it was nice to meet them and hear
what he thinks of me when he talks to them. At that point
in the evening I knew that he has really accepted me as one
of his own.
We’ve always had a bittersweet relationship. I was a little
scared of him and didn’t really know what to think. He
never really let on that I was ‘cool’ with him but I had
the feeling I was.

We were on the toll road in a traffic jam so he took some
side streets and we ended up staying in Chicago. We had
dinner at a fish house on the south side, in the parking
lot looking right at the Sears Tower. I had never seen it
the way I saw it that night. I was in love with being down
there with someone who wasn’t rushing through the night. I
was love with his confidence, taking me into a place that
he liked and being able to take me to a place that was
predominantly ‘black’.

While we were ordering I stood close to him but looked into
a refrigerated case full of goodies. I had just thought to
myself how I wanted something in there and he bought it w/o
asking…as if he knew somehow. Honestly, I’ve been missing
AR for a while and being in that restaurant made me so
happy…as if I was fulfilling that need for that kind of
food and atmosphere.

I forgot to mention that he had grabbed my leg a few times
while we were driving and I shouted, out of surprise and he
said if I did it again he’d cry. lol I don’t buy those
lines too easy. I told him I thought he’d live and I don’t
know any ruff n tumble cowboy who’d cry if they couldn’t
touch my leg. lol After we had left the barn we visited I
didn’t scream when he touched me anymore.

For the drive home we used Lakeshore. It is a loooong way
home on that road but very pretty. Through Chicago we
looked at the city and the lake but when we got farther
north I let him rub my neck and shoulders while we cruised
along at 30mph.

Things progressed and I was totally unable to think of
anything but his hands.

We got to Waukegan and he called his Mom so he could stop
by for some money his son had left there for him after
borrowing it. After we left there we drove around the town
a little bit and ran into his niece who might have been out
being bad.
It was heavenly to get out and away from the people who
cause so much stress for me. I would have liked to just
pull over and sit at the park but it was getting chilly and
looked like rain.

After a long ride back to the barn we finally made it. It
was pouring rain…we had almost stopped at a hotel for the
night. At first we were going to load the horses and get
the hell out of Dodge but we decided to spend the night in
the van he has parked there.

I was cold and wet from running through the rain but it
didn’t take long for things to heat up. We made love almost
all night. We slept for about 15 mins before the g/f came
in on us. At 2 fucking clock in the morning the bitch
opened the door and came in on us!

She kept saying she couldn’t believe he was fucking me. Her
big questions were how could he fuck me when I have 2
little kids (she has 5 grown & my 2 love him to death!),
how could he fuck me because my Mother’s a crack addict (if
I was any other person I’d see her point…), and how could
he fuck me because I am his son’s age (I’m not his son and
he ain’t muh Daddy!). Often I’ve asked myself how he could
be with her.

Seriously, I have no Daddy issues. I miss him sometimes but
I know why he left and it really doesn’t make me want
Charlie to be my Daddy role model. There are men in this
world that are Daddy’s and there are men you want to be
your lovers. I would feel sick having fucked my own father
or anyone I consider Fatherly. I think you know that from
how I talked about Animal.

She told him it was over. After she left we made love
again. He asked me if I wanted to be his woman and I shied.
I don’t think I want to be anyone’s woman. I’ve got enough
to worry about and that would be HUGE!

She came back a little while later. That time she was
calling me a whore. I don’t care what she thinks. He did go
with her though and that kinda hurt.
I waited around a while then went home, took a shower, ate
breakfast and cleaned out my truck.

I want him to be happy and I am happy with him but I know
for a fact he needs someone’s pockets to dip into at times
and that just isn’t me.

I can’t stop thinking about him!

Yesterday I ran into the g/f. She asked me if I saw a
future with him. I told her honestly that I didn’t. She
asked me if it was a one-night stand…I didn’t answer. She
asked me if it was worth it. I smiled. Why the fuck would
you ask someone that? I wouldn’t want to know if my
partner’s sex was good w/someone else. She said he used me.
She will never know what it was like. I honestly don’t see
myself as being used when I am the one that wanted it.
Maybe if she’d give it to him a little more she wouldn’t
see it as him using me…

I don’t see what my kids have to do with anything. It’s not
like they were with me. GAWD! She pisses me off!

I was in the middle of riding so I just kept working on
what I was doing and blew her off. It’s funny, I had just
told him that she hated me cause she had asked me if I was
moving my horse and I just get the feeling that she doesn’t
like me.

She said ‘I know you’ve had a crush on him for a while….
was it worth it?’ She has no idea how long I’ve known him
or wondered about him.

I dunno what’s going to happen in the future but I will
find a way to get what I want. All of this has made him
think about leaving. If he comes up with a game plan I’d be
happy to go.
I’m kinda thinking of staying her for 3 more years. If
nothing’s going on I may go to FL with P and them. It’d be
better for the kids to live near their dad anyway.

I guess that’s enough for you to digest for now.

I’m proly staying home tonight to think/sleep. I will keep
you posted.

TTFN Gentle Reader and Dear Diary

~fancy


Update: That was written yesterday. I was in a state of fog.
I asked Her to meet me last night. I actually gave her the
option of meeting with me last night or Thur and she picked
Thur. That really pisses me off because when she wanted to
cry about her g/f I dropped everything and met with her
that night.
We'll see if she even shows up!




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