charmed1

sinking deeper into depression

i have to clear something up. i NEVER see him, ok? i saw
him ONCE in the last 2 years. in fact, i NEVER think about
him. his face might come up once a month, but i never
worry. yesterday i worried. i have opened up about chris
to this diary and i never stopped to think Y i did. last
time i saw him at the beach in june, i had this bad
feeling, just b4 i heard he was there. yesterday i went to
this park over by his house, and my fear overcame me.
cadence and devon were there, but i needed a friend. i
needed some1 that would be THERE for me. and cadence
wasnt. she was there for devon. i felt alone, and sick,
and afraid, and i wanted to go home. everyone was sopposed
to meet us at the park, tho, so i thought id see who was
there. (kathleen and jorie and michelle are ALWAYS there
for me). because they were there i decided to stay. jon
came. i was so happy to see him that i was speechless.
unfortunatly i was standing rite nect to cadence and she
presents him with a "HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII JON!" so i was
completly blown out of the water. i was surpirsed, tho,
that he DID ask me how i was once he was finished with
cadence flattering him with cute remarks. that was nice.
once devon and cadence left we all settled down and watched
faisal (another guy friend of mine, who is TOTALLY nice)
play basketball. then jon and jason left and guess who i
saw. chris. everytime b4 i see him, i think about him.
is that just a coinicidence, or is there sumthing totally
wrong with me? i found out hes going to south (the high
school i WANTED to go to) when i thought he was going to go
to sum dicipline school, like he was supposed to. what the
hell? now he has to go to south! how can he! devons
going to be there. im NOT going to be there! how can i
make sure devon is alright if im not even going to be
there. all of these 'preminitions" probably means that
sumthing is going to happen. so what do i do now. wait
for something to happen and just let him die.........
devon........ die?........ nooooo. this si too much for
me. i f chris wanted a gun, he could get a gun. hes made
enemies. even JON is one. they would die. devon wont
die. he cant, he cant.....