The Owner(s)

Matt's Whining and Bullshit
2001-08-15 07:46:19 (UTC)

Girl Problems... yes more and how I spent my summer vacation

I must say it has been a while people. Last time I wrote
something was June 19 (I think..) or the 20th. Now its
August 15th (3am EST) and I can't sleep because of my
various girl problems and confusions. But before that let
me start where I left off. After I last wrote I started
becoming good friends with Caity. Man shes hot. I started
hanging out with her alot. I even walked all the way to
her house on several occasions because I thought that I may
have had a chance with her. Needless to say I did not have
a chance with her. But we became really good friends and
over the summer I sorta forgot that I had a crush on her...
i moved along to other people and stuff. The June 26th show
of my bands was cancelled due to lack of planning. The
next day I went to my friends bands first show, they played
great, and there I re-met Liz. She's really cool. I met
her at the mall in like January and got her screen name but
rarely ever talked to her. I hung out with her for most of
the show. The party that we we're going to play at on June
29th was postponed to July 6th. We went and played for all
10 people that were there and then more than half of them
left and our vocalist ran off with some ugly red head chick
to get his mack on (keep in mind he has a girlfriend.. if i
ever get like that I'd kill myself) so we just played music
for hours as a practice we worked on alot of covers with
our fill in bassist. After that I frantically searched for
another party in an attempt to redeem ourselves. I found
one on the 28th of July. Between June 27th and July 28th me
and liz would hang out and flirt quite often and it felt as
though we were always talking. Be it on the phone or
online there was no seperating us. I liked her, alot. She
desperately wanted to hear my band so one night on the
phone I played her a few songs on my dads acoustic guitar
and she liked it so she said she'd come see us play on the
28th *she was invited to the party but wassnt gonna go*
she came and saw us, we only played 4 songs and basically
ran out of stuff to play because we hadn't practiced
between July 6th and July 26th so we were a bit rusty and
hadn't worked on any covers and the few we worked on really
sucked so we were really trying to avoid playing the
covers. The other band that was playing the party played
about 5 hours and we played for maybe 15 minutes. It was
really sad. Never the less, I was able to hang out with
Liz and it was really cool. She even kissed me, twice
*SCORE!* (on the cheek). At the party Liz met Bill the
rhythm guitarist for my band (remember this because im
going to probably go back to it in a little while). Two
days after the party *Monday July 30* Liz and Bill hung out
for the first time and they both had fun. I thought I was
going to see Liz that day so I came back to Freehold early
(I had a guitar lesson so I needed to be back anyway) to
see her. But I came home and talked to her and realized
that she was going to be with Bill and that made me really
mad and even a little jealous and I don't know why. All I
knew is that I wanted to ask her out before I went on
vacation and I knew if I didn't see her Monday than I
wouldn't be able to do so. So I yelled at Bill and I
yelled at Liz but I didn't tell either of them why I was
upset so they assumed almost automatically that it was
jealousy. Bill started talking to Liz quite a bit because
that week I went on vacation to Illinois. The day before I
left for Illinois I was down at my beach house sitting
around and I got a call from the girl up the street that I
have known forever. Her name's Ellen. She wanted me to
come out with her and her friends (my former friends) for
the evening. So I agreed to come hang out with them. We
got seperated from them and ended up walking around the
boardwalk together. It was cold, so I gave her my
sweatshirt.. didn't really think anything of it because she
was my friend. We went down onto the beach and we both
climbed on top of a box that they used to store umbrellas
that they rent out and we just layed there for about an
hour talking. It was a full moon almost and a very clear
night so the water was very romantic looking. As I said it
was cold so we climbed off the box and decided to lean up
against it facing the water and she kept saying she was
cold so I put my arm around her. After a while of sitting
without any speaking. She leaned over and kissed me. It
was like weird. Because I hadn't expected that at all.
And all of a sudden she was kissin me and then like 3
seconds later her tongue was in my mouth. What could I
do? I kissed her back. And then I realized what I was
doing and tried to end it quick. Her comment after kissing
me was "You need a stick of gum" because I had eaten potato
skins covered in onions before I left my house lol... and
not expecting to be kissin people I didn't
bother "prepping" to go out. Even though my breath was
kicking she kissed me again. Turns out she had liked me on
and off most of the almost 9 years I had known her.
Crazy. I had very little idea. I could only remember one
time sitting and watching a movie with her at her house
where she held my hand... I thought nothing of it because
it was a pretty scary movie. That was a long time ago
too. We walked back to her house because it felt alot
later than it actually was and she went inside and got a
jacket and gave mine back and with the jacket she got a
piece of gum. We went for another walk to find the friends
of hers that had so rudely ditched us (Its a small town).
We wandered for a while and then gave up. She gave my the
gum but I didn't ever kiss her again. So we will always be
able to look back and laugh at how bad my breath was the
first time we kissed. I doubt we will kiss again. I am
not gonna kiss her because I just want to be her friend.
Anyway, I didn't tell ANYONE about this evening.
Everything there was fun *on vacation*! I got to ride my
cousins three wheeler and I got to shoot at things with an
actual gun.
I came back from vacation on Friday August 10th and I
heard a few rumors that Liz liked Bill and I also heard a
few that Bill liked Liz. But I figured they were just
rumors, you know teenagers, people hang out and its
When I got back from Illinois I read an email from Liz
that was a forward and it said "Crush: yes" and "who: Matt
I luv u Matt!" but it was from August 5th (as I said I
didn't get back till the 10th). I talked to Bill and he
told me how much Liz called him while I was gone. He said
she called like at least twice a day. Then I started
hearing more rumors how they liked each other and kept
assuming they were rumors. Saturday *August 11*, I made
plans to hang out with Liz... and they soon turned into
plans to hang out with Liz and Bill. So we hung out and
skateboarded and played guitar and stuff and then Bill
left. And things started getting interesting. A lot more
firting than normal which then escalated more. I won't go
into detail but I definately got a kiss from her
(definately more than one lol). She even made a comment
like "thank god bill didn't come back!" I finally asked her
out and didn't get the answer I had hoped for. What'd she
say you ask? She said "I don't know because you know how I
feel about being labeled" all I could think to myself was
damn. She went home and went online and I talked to her
and she said she had fun and I told her I had fun. The
evening was amazing. Of course something had to go wrong
because it always does. After a while of talking to Liz
online she made a random comment "Matt I dont luv u I love
Bill and Ray more" (Ray's the vocalist in my band) and I
was like "good I dont like u either I was using u" we were
both messing around. Then she turned that remark into this
huge game that we played on Bill convincing him that we
were using each other and that she really loved him. Thats
where everything got fucked up majorly. When Liz told Bill
it was just a joke it had already gone to far and Bill
stopped talking to Liz. Liz started freaking out because
she obviously cared for his friendship alot. I tried to
comfort her but she doesnt like being comforted in her
times of being depressed because she kept telling me to
stop. But yet I continued. She signed off and called me
and we talked on the phone for a about an hour and then she
had to go. I told her I loved her and to remember that and
she said "I love u too, I won't forget it" Well I'm
writing this now and I think she forgot. I called her the
next day and wasn't in a very good mood because I had
continued to hear from various people that while i was gone
Liz started liking Bill alot and Bill started liking Liz as
well. So the rumors were true. I'm starting to go blank
because its getting late. Liz told me the rumors were true
and thats why she seemed to value Bills friendship so very
much even though she barely knew the kid. It is now
Wednesday August 15th at 3:30am and I haven't talked to liz
on the phone since Sunday. I talk to her online but our
conversations have changed drastically. No more flirting.
Our convos have become quite bitter. Alot of sarcastic
remarks on my part and alot of talk about Bill on her
part. I am trying to get over her because she REALLY likes
Bill alot more than she likes me. Today she asked If i
still liked her and I said "I'm not sure anymore" and then
I said "actually I am sure, and the answer to your question
is no" because I need to move on. Even though it hurts to
do so I realize that I must. If she likes Bill that much
and can still mess with his emotions and his mind than she
must be pretty fvcked up so she could do the same to me. I
still like her a little but I am in getting over her, quite
quickly. I will still talk to her but we're just friends.
In positive news, I started talking to Jess (I mentioned
her in the last post) again because no one else was willing
to listen to me bitch. The guy that she went out with the
same day that I wrote her the huge emo letter broke up with
her towards the end of July and she didn't even know why.
Now he has a new girlfriend and she said "the best I can do
is get over him" I was like... maybe theres a chance for
me. But that totally goes against what I've been believing
her to be for the last 4 months. I've been avoiding her
and I've been talking about her behind her back. All of a
sudden she's being nice to me and I woke up this morning to
a message "Hey, are u single" and I got worried, thats what
made me start talking to her again after like 4 months. It
was good talking to her. Also today, Caity came home from
her vacation. She was at the beach. I am hanging out with
her tomorrow. Could the crush be reborn? And if so do I
stand a chance this time? The odds are seeming better
because now her best friend isn't in love with me (Her best
friend is Marni). And we have talked and she keeps saying
how she hasnt been all that happy since she last hung out
with me. Strange. She told me tonite she loved me. It
wasn't the first time. In her words "She loves all her
friends, she likes to tell them that before its too late."
Makes sense I reckon.
Sometime soon I am going to have to get together with
Bill and we are going to write lyrics about how we've both
been fvcked over by Liz. I have the music for the song we
just need the lyrics. We're becoming a hell of a lot
closer after the mind game me and Liz played on him. Me
and Liz on the other hand are getting farther and farther
It is now 3:45am. I am going to try to go to sleep now
that I've cleared my mind of all thinking. This entry is
pretty jumbled but its late and I'm tired hopefully you
understand. email comments to [email protected]