Blue Rosar

Song in Blue
2002-11-12 17:00:58 (UTC)

Embrace the Pain

So you want to talk about drama? Let's talk about drama!
I have way too much of it in my life sometimes, take this
weekend for example. Bruce called me up on Saturday night
and said he was going to be up at Talbot Street, not only
was he going to be there, but Rhea (his mother who did a
good deal to save my sanity but I had never met) was going
to be there with him. Naturally, I got myself all dressed
up and looking good and drove up there to meet them. The
night went on, Bruce and Rhea showed up, we were all
emotional, then Chris and Jaye showed up, hadn't seen them
in forever, it was looking like it was going to be a kick
ass night. Then it happened.

We were in the upstairs white room sitting on the lounge
thingies, laughing, talking, having a good ol' time, and
then I looked up and saw him. There was Josh, right there
in the flesh with his little friend Carrie and what
appeared to be some other guy. I hadn't seen him in four
months and thought that I could handle it. How wrong was
I? I was sitting there and everything that we had, so many
fo the great times, it all came pouring back down on me
with a ferocity that I never would have expected. Bruce
and Rhea saw me freeze and knew something had upset me,
they asked what. It was all I could do to point him out
and say that that was Josh. Bruce stood up like he was
going to go kick his ass, but then settled down. They know
the story, the heartbreak, the bad romance novel that was
the end of our relationship. So I tried to keep myself
composed, it was failed effort. I didn't break down and
actually cry, but I was ready to. Then, just as I was
about to pull myself together, Josh came up and asked if I
was going to be around for a bit because he wanted to talk
to me. I said I probably would, and he said okay and then
went back to Carrie. I lied, I felt so...I don't know, all
of the sudden I felt so lonely and so hurt that I left
about half an hour later.

Since then I've been a mess. Every ten minutes he comes
into my mind. What's funny is that I wrote an entry in
this damned journal about a month ago saying how over him I
was and I wanted my closure. I honestly don't know what
would have happened if Caiti and I had actually since him
when we went to hunt him down those weeks ago. It probably
would have been the same mess. Only this time there was
another factor: Joe.

Joe is a great guy, has been since we first met a few
months ago, things were going as well as things go with
me. I let him get close to a certain degree, but always
kept him about half an arms length, just where I like to
keep most people. Then Saturday night happened and I
realized I'm not exactly over Josh, quite the opposite
actually. It totally isn't fair to Joe for him to be with
someone that's still sprung over someone else. So he and I
had a talk yesterday and I told him I needed time to figure
things out and get things straighted out. In other words,
I've called things to a screetching halt. They will stay
that way until I get myself sorted out with what I want,
what it's going to take to get over this, if I even do want
to get over this, all that kind of jazz.

I wrote Josh an e-mail the other night, one that was
probably a bad idea, but it was stuff that I needed to get
off my chest and make sure that he knew:

Dear Josh,

Wow, been a long time since I had actually seen you. That
was kinda crazy, one minute I was sitting there with Rhea
(Bruce's Mom) and then I'm looking up and there you are.
Your hair looks good grown out. I recall mentioning you
should try it several months ago...I was right. Now, on
with the proverbial show, and keep in mind that I am
spilling my guts here in a way that's not so characteristic
of me...

So yeah, I'm not too sure that writing this e-mail is a
very good idea. I am sure though that it's going to make
me look pathetic and sad, but you know what, that's okay.
I've learned to let go of the proud lonewolf image in the
past few months, it cost me too much. Anyways, just some
things I think I need to get off my chest, things I've been
carrying around unsaid for four months now.

First and foremost, even though I never said it until it
was too late, I did love you, still do as a matter of
fact. When I looked up and saw you at the club, I suddenly
wasn't there anymore. I was back in the woods behind your
grandparents, learning how to shoot and playing around. I
was back walking down the streets of Chicago after coming
from my first professional baseball game. I was back at
OP's all dressed in black and leather, looking hot by your
own admission, but only looking up at you. I was back in
the courtyard at Polo Run, jumping up and running into your
arms when you got back from Guard duty. Cheesey, I know,
but it's what happened.

Secondly, I still think about you, probably more than is
conducive to the whole moving on process. I've attempted
dating since we broke up, and in the end it comes down to
them not measuring up to the standards that were set when I
met you. No one else compares to you, they aren't you.
And you're always there in my heart and mind.

Third and final note in this, something that I am probably
most grateful to you for: when I was with you, I was
happy. Sure, we didn't get to see each other as often as
we would have liked, but I was happy. You knew how things
were with Bekki and between my family, but none of that
mattered when you were around, because you were around.
During the week, when I would be missing you the most, I
would still be smiling because I knew that we'd be seeing
each other the weekend. Even if I was going through some
of the most difficult trials of my life during that time,
it was a time I wouldn't trade for anything, because I got
to spend most of it with you.

Anyhow, just a few things I wanted to make you aware of.
Things I had wanted to at least let you know, because you
deserve to know them. You deserved to know that you made a
great and wonderful impact on my life. I know this
probably reads like a plead for you to come back, that's
not the intention. Just a few things I wanted you to know.

On a final note (reall this time), I was watching Ally
McBeal the other day and Ally said something along the
lines of: "Everybody finds that one person, falls in love
with them, and never stops loving them. No matter what
happens in life, you never ever stop loving that one
person." I will never stop loving you Joshua James
********. Take care of yourself.

Love,

Jason Andrew *******

So yeah, that was probably a really bad idea to send that,
but you know what, it was something I needed to get out of
my system and just make sure that he knew. I don't expect
a reply of any kind, but one would be nice. Even if it's
just "Hey, stop stalking me you freak," or "Umm...thanks, I
guess," or "I really appreciate you sending that, it meant
alot to me." Of course the latter of those is what I would
like to hear, but any of them would be fine, just so I know
that he got it and actually read it.

As for what I'm going to do now, I have no clue. I guess
I'm just going to take things a little bit at a time and
see what happens. Relationships are definitely out of the
question for a while. That wouldnt be fair to anyone to be
with me in this current state. Besides, who needs all that
drama with finals week and the holidays coming up soon.
Anyhow, time for class in about 45 minutes and I still need
to run to the gas station and get some cigarettes. If I
didn't already smoke, this weekend would have certainly
driven me to it.

P.S.

That song "All At Once," by Whitney Houston...that's
completely how I'm feeling at the moment. Sad, isn't it?
Not the song, though the song is quite sad, but I mean my
current state of being. I've never felt so weak, so
dependent, so vulnerable. I don't like this feeling...not
one bit. The answer to getting rid of it one of two things:

1.) Find a way to get the love of my life back... (this
one won't likely happen)
2.) Find a way to embrace the pain and see to it that I
never feel it again... (this is the more likely of the two,
but what does that mean for me...it means going back to how
I was before all this happened, becoming the total lone
wolf once again. *sighs*)

I need a cigarette....NOW!




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