jjc46

gutterflower
2002-11-12 06:44:00 (UTC)

Save me!

Damn, I've had a lot on my mind lately...between 1) trying
to get over a girl who I've been completely into since last
year (and who just recently pulled my heart out of my chest
and ate it), 2) trying desperately not to develop a crush
on a girl who I almost certainly can't have, 3) trying to
find a girl in the first place and4) trying to keep on top
of all my schoolwork, I'm damn near going insane. I don't
have the energy to do anything anymore, and I'm just about
always feeling down and shitty because I don't have anyone.
But of course everyone expects me to suck it up and not
bother them with my problems so I have to act all cheery on
the outside. Fun, huh?

Yeah, so the girl who I've really really liked since last
year (and who I won't name) completely devastated me
Halloween night at the Late Skate. After inviting me to go,
she proceeded to not only ignore me the entire time, but
act all flirty with some other guy. Not only that, but when
I get back, I get an IM from her telling me that she does
not now and has never had any kinda of interest in me, and
that she wants me to leave her alone. She didn't even give
me a shot (I know that I could have made her happy). All I
wanted was to take her out once and show her what I could
have offered her. Not just that, but she didn't even have
the guts to tell me this shit to my face. She had to tell
me over IM, and from what the IM said, it looks like she
got someone else to write it. But who knows.

So I tried not to stress over that...I had a Calc4 exam the
next day and I didnt want to think about it so I tried not
to (talking about the situation with my roommate until 3am
helped a bit). So I went home for the weekend. I came back
Sunday afternoon. That night, some people from the server
network my roommate and I play Counter-Strike on came over
to set up some servers in our dorm room. I had been talking
to them a bit on IRC so it was cool to meet them. One of
them was this really really hot girl who also happened to
be really friendly and nice to talk to. they set up the
computers and we watched a movie...I got to lie on the bed
with her and watch which was really nice. Now (stupid
fucking me) I'm trying desperately not to let this get out
of hand...I almost certainly can't have her: she's 23,
lives in NYC and may already be taken. But damn, she's a
great girl. God dammit, stop!!

All that shit, and I still haven't found anyone. People
tell me to just go up to girls in class and whatever and
start a conversation. But for one thing, however few girls
there are at Drexel to begin with, there are even fewer in
engineering. And second, the ones that I do have class with
that I want to talk to, they don't even pay any mind when I
look at them; its like they have ESP and know I want to
talk to them, and do their very best to look completely
uninterested. Its really very discouraging. That, and my
asshole roommate from last year fuckin' found a girlfriend
already. And here's the icing on the cake: this bitch went
up to HIM and asked him on a date. That know-it-all, cocky
son of a bitch, I swear he doesn't deserve to be happy like
that when I am absolutely miserable the way I am. I need
someone in the worst way, you don't even know. Being
rejected time and time again certainly beings to make you
lonely after a while. Especially after 19 motherfucking
years. For God's sake, I've never even had one gf or even
kissed a girl.

I really don't know what to do...I usually walk around at
Penn for an hour or so when I'm feeling shitty like this
but that doesnt even seem to help. I'm heading for a
nervous breakdown, someone help.




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