Logan

Raven's Scratchings
2002-11-12 01:58:38 (UTC)

The end.

The End...

The two words an author looks forward to being able to put
down in his story. To end his epic, his novel, tale,
story, or even just a simple antecdote. All his work has
finally climaxed and resovled, the characters have reached
the end of the journey the began, and things have wound
down.

Sometimes, however, there is a squel, and things go on.
Sometimes it's because enough people wanted them back, or
because the author decided to continue their lives. Often,
in the case of someone who has a long tale, 'The End' can
mean only the end of that story, and the begining of
another. The end of only a chapter of that tale.

This is my 'The End'

Not the end of my full tale, but the end of this chapter at
least. My story will continue, but anything further at
this point is another part in itself.

At this point my thoughts may (probably will) become very
jumbled.

First of all, I'm ending this diary. I look back upon the
older entries I've made and it looks like a bunch of
sniveling and whining. Yes, I meant what I wrote, but the
method I chose to write it in was controlled by my
emotions. As such, it comes out to sound like nothing more
than the stupid rantings, ravings, whinings, and occasional
cheery spot of a confused child lost in a world that
doesn't belong to him, nor him to it.

I never have found a time or place that I felt like I was
at home, I've felt welcome at many places, like Whitehorse
Mountain, Seattle, the Arizona desert (I think there's
something out there, calling me for some reason, I don't
know what though), and a few other random places. But I've
never found a place that I could just stop, build a home,
and stay contented. This world doesn't seem to match me, I
don't want to be a part of it's system, it's beleifs, it's
culture. Understand that when I say 'this world' I mean
only the civilization and culture and society that I live
in now, not the planet itself. I intend to find a world
where I can feel more relaxed, where perhaps I'll find more
people like me, and hopefully, some answers. I can feel
many things, but I understand none of them. And I can
discuss none of them with anyone because the people that I
know wouldn't understand or care.

Some of you (assuming anyone reads this cesspit of mad
ramblings) are probably thinking 'What about Oak, aren't
you two alike, don't you two share the same beliefs?'
Indeed we do. However Oak no longer cares about me (if she
ever did), and the only reason I managed to extricate from
her was that I annoy her, which is infuriating because she
never tells me until she gets pissed off at me, and
everything comes flying out at me (whether it has to do
with me or not is immaterial, she still takes it out on me)
and quits talking to me for a day, or week, or however
long. So I can't talk to Oak, even if she did care.

That's the other reason I'm closing this diary. I started
it because she asked me too, she wanted me too. I had no
desire to let every problem of mine spill out, I still
don't. Much less put it into a format where it can be read
by anyone (no offense to any of you). Now that the person
I started it for has basically said 'Fuck off, I don't care
about you, I never did, and as far as I care you can go sit a
ditch and die,' I have no reason to maintain it, and I
doubt that I'll ever resume writing.

I will write this last bit, however, so that it's not
written entirely as to why I'm killing it.

I've had some really good freinds before, Catherine, Chris,
Jeremy, Michael, and Winston, I've known them for a long
time, each. But I never had one as long as I've known
Oak. 5 years. That's a long time for anyone to know
another person. It allows you to build a bond with them,
you get to know each other more than most people. You not
only accept the other persons faults, you come to expect
them and even enjoy them, sometimes. It gets to the point
where you can understand each other without speaking, you
can predict each other and how they'll react, you get to be
like siblings. It can even go deeper than that. It can
get to the point where your emotions can even tie
themselves to each other, and you can feel how the other
person feels. And once you reach that level, as Oak calls
it 'anam cara', you can never go back. No matter what
happens, there is always that bond buried within somewhere.

I've cried as much, if not more, for Oak than I have for
myself. I literally flinch at a lot of the things she's
feeling because I feel pain over them, as if it were
happening to me. I listened to her pain and she listened
to mine and made me feel that much better. Without her
help I'd have not survived, nor would I have come as far as
I have. She was the only person to know me anywhere near
as well as myself. I'd do anything for her, not matter the
cost. I trusted her with anything, my life, my heart, my
secrets, even my soul. She's more than the sister I never
had, and as far as I'm concerned, she's a part of what
family I have.

But she always had a habit of keeping things in and then
letting them out on whoever has angered her at the time.
And then she just becomes mean and hateful and closes
herself off to anything a person could say. Not unlike a
lot of people, but she stays angry for a long time
afterwards. But what is the most
confusing/angering/hurtful is that she doesn't tell you a
problem she has with you until she's angry at you. I've
taken to heart what she says when she's like that, and then
I act on it. But then she's sorry and didn't mean it,
until the next time she's angry and she's angry about it
again. So I have no idea what she does and doesn't mean
because she either A) won't admit to it when she's not
angry because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings and
thinks it's what I want, or B) only says it because when
she's angry it annoys her then and she needs/wants a reason
to keep being angry. The problem with A is that while it's
admirable and it's nice that she cares, it only hurts her
because I keep doing it, and the problem with B is that she
becomes hurtful and mean, and then you take it seriously,
even if she says otherwise. So I basically have no way of
knowing which is the reality. I just said we were the best
of friends, I didn't say I understood the way a girl's mind
works, I don't think any deity in the history of the
UNVERSE, except the goddesses (did I spell that right?) of
course, has understood a girl's mind. A few times she's
done this, and been more mean than I'd have even though her
possible of. Now, she's basically said that she doesn't
care about me, and never did. That the entire 5 years
we've known each other I was some game for her that she's
grown tired of and no longer wishes to play with. She
never wants to hear from me, and she couldn't care less
what happens to me.

Bull.

NO ONE has the paitence or energy to play a game like that
for 5 years, NO ONE is good enough to fake emotions like
that without slipping, NO ONE would go the extremes (her
diary, for example) just to fool ONE person. I'm not that
stupid. And I know that she is not the kind of person to
enjoy hurting people. She's hurting herself, she's in pain
and she feels a temporary sense of satisfaction at making
someone else feel pain. I used to do it too, but she's not
a sadistic person, and only sadistic people enjoy spending
their whole lives making people feel hurt. Sooner or
later, it catches up. And then you feel guilty because
you've hurt so many people, and even worse because now
they've left your life. If she keeps it up, all she'll do
is drive everyone off, and I mean EVERYONE. Everyone has a
limit, some are higher than others, but sooner or later
they just stop caring. I quit caring with Beth because she
started to become mean and spiteful (wonderful example of a
Christian, isn't it?) and didn't care about me anymore.
Now I've no idea how she's doing, nor do I care, even
though she lives just down the street. And Oak is doing
the same things Beth did. But the difference is: I have a
higher tolerance for Oak, because I care more about her
than I did Beth.

But that doesn't mean I'll sit here and just take the abuse
each time and then wait around for days, weeks, a month, or
however long she refuses to speak with me. What it does
mean is that I forigive her for everything she says, and
that I still do care, even if I am angry. I even still wear the
charm I made for her and I, because I do still care, and as a
reminder. She earned my trust, became an integral part of me and my
life, got into all my secrets, even got me to change myself. Then
she betrayed all of that and left a nice big wound, tore out so
much of me I could barely stand until it healed over in a
scar. But like I said, once the bond is there, nothing can
ever break it. I would forgive her and care for her,
though it'd take time to earn my trust again. But she
doesn't seem to want my forgivness, caring, or trust. Oh
well. I still forigive her, I still care about her, and I
still trust her (though admittedly, I don't trust her as
much as before). Whether she wants them or not, she has
them, because that's what friends do, they forgive and move
on, no matter how much they've been hurt. I can only hope
that she'll care enough as well.

So, this is it. The last paragraph (this is the longest
entry I've ever made, I think), of the last page, of this
chapter of my life. These chapters seem to go in 5 year
cycles: moving to Texas, the divorce and meeting Oak, and
now this. I wish I could give you a happy ending, or some
hope for the future, but I can't. Things are getting
progrssively worse. I'm so tired my eyelids have drooped
and I cannot see any light there may be at the end. I'm
ending this chapter, and begining another. But I'm also
taking this chapter and locking it away. It's been the
most influential chapter of my life, and it's also been the
best and worst. I've had some really great memories, and
some really horrible ones. And the ups and downs make each
seem all the more intense. But as I've said before, 'Good
times and bad times together do not make a wash. The bad
times make the good times all the more intense and fond,
and the good times make the bad ones sting all the more.'
I'm finsihing this chapter, and locking it away. I don't
think that I'll ever open it up for anyone. No one but I
knows everything that's happened, and maybe it's for the
best, because I don't think anyone deserves everything that
happened. And now, most likely no one will ever know about
this time. No one except those who went through it with me
and whoever reads these words. Just as all things break
down, sooner or later, this journal will be deactivated for
inactivity, or this site will dissapear, or the data will
simply be lost. However it happens, it will be lost to
oblivion, as all things are. And the only remnants will be
the memories of those who knew it all as it happened. Feel
honored if you want to because you're one of the few who
will know, feel insulted because I think so much of this,
or feel indifferent because it's not happening to you so
you don't have a reason to care. Any of them are
understandable, but feel something. Feel moved and help
other people in your life who really need that help, feel
sorrow and take this as a lesson to heart, feel happy that
I've finally fond a way that I might move and find hope in
your lives. Just feel something. And if you ever need someone to
talk to, no matter who you are I will listen, just write me:
[email protected] Ladies and gentlemen,
goodnight, and good fortune.

Bran Fael-Corvax Lupus-Raven Wolf
Logan

*grabs his hat and trenchcoat, turns out the single light,
and walks out the door into the light outside, casting a
shadow across the bare floor until he closes the door, and all is
darkness*

The End.




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