A Dreamer's Playground
2001-08-15 02:47:47 (UTC)

Nearly Content

It's odd...normally nearly all my thoughts are of
jealousy towards my sister. For all that she has better
than me, for all that should have been mine that is now
hers. But I just don't know. At the moment I am almost
Life. It's a bitch and throws so much at you whether
you are ready to handle it or not. Seemingly, any major
problems that I am to experience have occured early in my
life. From all the depression I have suffered from, I
don't think it can get any worse.
Sex. Though my first was with a guy only using me for
pleasure, it just at this moment no longer seems evil. The
more I think about it the more right Tony is. Sex is
acceptable if you are in love with the person you sleep
with. I slept with Rob to feel loved. When I sleep with
Tony it will be because I know I am loved.
Just yesterday sex was one of the major things I
feared. It can be twisted and evil, but now all I can
think of is doing anything to make Tony happy. I don't
intend to sleep with him if that is all he wants, but I
know him...he loves me.
Though what we have is on hold, I still love him and
always will. I have to find a way to break it to Scott...I
love him as a friend and we haven't even gone out and he
asked me out nearly a month ago.
Just thinking...of all the people I can say I truly
love...honestly I can only say Tony and Kate. My sister is
a given, though at times I feel I hate her, I never truly
do. I will always love matter what she does and
no matter what she gets even if it was supposed to be mine.
I just wish Corrine was the kind of sister that I
could talk to...confide in. I still long for someone to
confide in, and at the moment I have Tony. I only fear
that once we do meet, I might continue how I am usually and
keep what I feel to myself.
I truly hope that doesn't happen. I trust many people
over the internet far more than I do people I know in real
life. But Tony...I trust him with my heart and therefore
everything that is me.
I long for the day we meet...till then it will be
merely computer interaction and the few moments over the
phone. But still...I remain nearly content.