Thoughts from Blue Angel
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2001-08-14 20:44:26 (UTC)

Truly Happy

I've had the most amazing week. This is the first time in
who knows how long that I've felt content. I've had a life
for once! I feel comfortable being who I am, and I'm
feeling quite confident, and it's working! The whole "I'm
not good enough" attitude that I had inside reflected on
the outside- and pushed people away. But now that I feel
better about myself, so do other people.

I went crusing with Brad last night. We ended up out at
the lake until 1:30 this morning. It was so great... It
was cool and there was a nice breeze coming off the water.
The sky was so clear. It was so easy to talk to him. He
didn't try to hit on me or anything. It was nice to have a
nice time like that with a guy without it involving romance
or sex. I really enjoyed it.

Of course, Jason and I have turned our relationship
completely around. There's still romantic interest, and we
both know it, but now we have this super close intimacy
between us. It's not about lust anymore. It's about a
deeper connection. Of course, he still occassionally
starts talking with his penis, but we make a joke out of it
and get the conversation back on track pretty quickly.

It feels nice to still be open, but to not feel like a
slut. I felt so "easy" for so long. I had no self-
respect. But now that I've told myself that I am going to
hold out on the sex, I feel so much stronger- and not cheap!

I've formed some meaningful relationships, and I've
reformed a few that were headed in a negative direction.
Most of all, I've formed a better relationship with myself.

Now, when I search deep inside myself, I feel a contentment
that wasn't there 2 weeks ago. This isn't a front or an
act that I've put on before to convince people that I'm
happy. I really am comfortable with my life.

There are still things I have to improve on. I still feel
pain. I still look in the mirror and see someone carrying
around a few extra pounds. But I also see someone who's
thinner than they started out. I now feel like I have the
power to improve the things that need improvement. I have
the strength to deal with the pain in my life. I have
confidence again.