Lost and Searching
2002-11-11 01:55:01 (UTC)

I don't know anymore

I still haven't gotten completely over dear old justin,
even though i do put a good front of it..there are days
that i know i am better without him, but then when i hear
that he is possibly home, i find the urge somewhere within
me to call him...but to no avail, to this moment, i haven't
gotten ahold of him...but then again he may not even be

lately i haven't had any dreams, except for the ones that
he is there and he is evil but i can't seem to get away
from him, even in my dreams when i am running as fast as i
can but can't seem to ever get away.....

sometimes i wish that my disease had a face and a body, so
that i can find it, hunt them down, and then destroy
it....and that way i could be rid of it once and for
all.....the winter season will be here before i know
it...cold air, crisp breeze and snow....snow is something
that i love playing in for as long as i can
remember....everthing seems so clean out when its covered
in snow, but the cold air can do great damage on my lungs,
but at the moment its not like i am doing the things i
should be......

my little sister fell down the basement steps about five
weeks ago,and out of the blue had a blood clot form on her
brain...and when it was detected it had hardend tremdously
and to this day it hasn't dissolved..the doctors don't want
to do surgery because it can damage her brain possibly even
more...but today she came home, but the way she was in the
hospital and how she wanted to come home about killed
me......all i could do is think about how this disease is
going to affect me later down the road....and i don't want
to put any one else through that turmoil.....