2002-11-10 08:46:21 (UTC)

so drunk

so i wentto culture club tonight. and this is what i
expected: lots of dancing with guys; expected this because
i would usually anticipate the whole feeling of I DONT
which is still very much inm e and even more surpirsing is
that i totally just didnt want to. very strange. and
honestly, i dont like that. i dont like that i didnt wanna
even DANCE with anyone. what kinda stupid loser am i. i
HATE that HE was in the back of my mind the whole time.
just like how my mother would tell me when i was
little "dont do anything you wouldnt do if i was there/"
and i didnt/ guys tried to dance with me. and there was a
part of me that very much wanted tp grind and give in and
lose self and have fun. FUN/ (thats all) and i didnt even
WANT to do that. i was so perfectly content dancing with
myself. and dancing with iris and shira and/. i just
felt so content and happy tonight. and whenever one feels
content and happy one sould be suspicious as to WHY/ at
some point during the night i wen t to the bathroom, was
sitting on the toilet and the only thought that was in my
head, sitting there, long after i peed, was
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh just felt good, being
conscious and alive. how rare. and there was a part of
me that didnt give a shit that chris was at a 'bachlor
party'/ there was a part of me that actually trusted he
wasnt doing anything bad, and was just having lots of fun
with his friends. that s a good feeling, that feeling of
trust. so lovely really, that feeling, that someone you
very much care about, and very much are beginning to love,
and you very much like your life with the addition of this
person, its such a good feeling, to FEEL that they are
having lots of fun with their friends, and you fleet across
their mind from time to time, and they are happy right now,
just as you are happy right now. if noot happy , then
oblivious. and also the feeling that if they are NOT
happy, thaat they should feel like its OK to call you. i
hope he feels that. thats its always ok to call me.

i do hate that i think about him so much. i cant wait fopr
that to pass. fucked up i am even saying that. fucked up
that i even think rationally that there is a future for us.
there clearly is. as emotional and intuitive that i am i
need RATIONAL REASONS why i still remain friends with this
boy. why he is becoming my BOYFRIEND. ew. curse word still/

anyway. i very much needed a night of drunken dancing. even
though someone grabbed my crotch ( men ) its ok. so
interesting really . if a girl grabbefa giys crotcjh
it would be such an accepatble, normal and cool thing. the
other way around, it feels like a violation. why?