The Journal of a Madman
2002-11-10 03:32:58 (UTC)

Digging Deep

I realize at some point in life each person must find
themselves. It's something everyone talks about, but I
never really took it too seriously. I never found myself.
I'm fifteen now, and I'm searching, desperately trying to
decide who and what I am.

I spent time listing things I liked, disliked, what I am
good at and so on. The problem is, and I have realized
this for a while now, I have a hard time staying dedicated
to things. I know a lot of people have that problem,
especially people my age, and a lot of them don't seem to
notice they have it. I noticed though, and I hate it. I
hate it horribly. I need to find out who I am.

But first of all, to introduce myself to all of you,
since, after all, this is my first journal entry. I am
Alex Fink. I don't like the name however, and plan to
change my last name to Mistwalker since I would rather not
have relation to my parents. I don't mind my first name.
I have dark blonde/brown hair, which is down a little past
my eyes and annoyingly curly. I am letting it grow out. My
eyes are green/blue and frequently seem to switch between
the two. I am about 5'10 or 5'11. I'm pretty scrawny. I'm
not a preppy, buying most of my clothes from Hot Topic,
but I'm not planning to do that anymore, I'm planning to
make my own.

As for religion, my mother is christian, my father jewish,
and they decided my sister and I would be raised jewish,
although traditionally children are raised by their
mothers religion. About a year and three or four months
ago now I decided I didn't want to follow either of the
religions and went on a quest to find one for myself. I
stumbled across paganism which interested me for a time,
especially druidry. It didn't do everything for me though,
but it laid out a lot of my beliefs. Sometime later, very
recently, I have done a lot of research into Satanism, on
the site, and I also purchased the
satanic bible. The religion is quite interesting and I
have found many points of it that I like, but I don't
think I will ever declare myself to be of an official
religion. I tend to follow a taoist philosophy over the
confucious, or at least I say I do.

I have a huge variety of musical tastes, and it's
broadening more and more as I realize that it really
doesn't matter what people think. I've played the guitar
for a little more than a year and I'm going to start
playing the drums soon. I'm in a band called Sanctify. I
don't really have a whole lot of other interests.

Anyway back to the topic, I'll tell you more about me
later. I'm trying to find who I am. It's a struggle. A
hard hard struggle and I've paid dearly in parts of it. I
have a girlfriend now, Kyimi, and we are very very close
and she is so good to me and makes me so happy whenever I
am with her or think about her, although I always miss her
so much when I'm not with her.

I have a lot of apologies to give to people. I'm not sure
when I'm going to give them but I think I'm going to wait
until I figure myself out a little bit more. I've got some
problems going on now though in real time, so I'll get
back and add more later.

Alasdair Mistwalker

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