i'll tell you later

becasue of you . . . . becasue of me

because of you i remembered i didn't write in this - i
can't disappoint anyone who might read this but never
actually send any feedback . . . . . maybe someday i'll
write something worth reading - or maybe i'll figure out
what to do with this thing . . . this has simpl turned into
a place where i can talk to myself - but instead on think
it i have to type it all out and i can't really respond
like i do when i talk to myself for real - becasue i know
what i am writing before it is typed and by te time it is
typed i've already formulated the answers so why type them
down if i alraeady know them . . . . unless they are hard
questions which need to be though about - i find myself
wanting to write about C failry often . . . . but i never
know what to talk about - i feel that i haven't quite
gotten the point of this diary thing because i won't write
stuff that i think other people who i know might have the
address to this thing might read and mis understand or i
dunno - - i dunno - and anyone who has this address can't
really expect me to ever write completl candidl about them
either - not yet anyway - i dunno - and if that person is
on my mind then i jsut end up talking about nothing - and
even if that person isn't 'on my mind' but something that
happened to that person sparks an idea for something to
write about i can't be fully candid - i think i should be
though - i think that this is exactly what needs to be said
all the time - there are so many things that we as people
avoid talking about - why? talking about things stating
what one thinks about a situation shouldn't effect the
situation - right? if someone is walking around with a bad
haircut noone will ever go up to them and say i don't like
your haircut - but why should we? if noone ever told people
they have shitty hair then how can they know what other
people think - but i suppose something like a haircut is
completly trivial and noone should really care what someone
elses hair looks like anyway . . . . why did i even bring
that up? becsue i am more superficial than i wish i
was . . . . - does that make sence - i should not be as
superficial as i am - and i really don't think i am
superficial for the most part - why can't - when you first
meet someone why can't this person be told everything about
you that one of your close friends knows? what are we as
people afraid of? people using that information aginst us?
i guess we are scared of scaring people away - but would
people really e scared off - and if they were isn't that
better then having people around who you can't tell
everything to? i cna't think of anything that someone might
say to me (realizticly speaking) that would make me not
want to hang out or continue talking with them - why is it
when you meet someone ou have to ask where are you from
blah blah blah crpa crap crap and learn all this stuff that
really has nothing to do with who this person is and is all
just superficial midless babble which i for the most part
forget anyway - sometimes when i talk to people i'll
realize tha they are actually worth talking to so i make an
effort to remember what they were saying - but i guess
that's how things work - you judge weather or not you want
to talk to someone more by their responces to these
pointless wueations . . . but i suppose everyone in the
world knew that and since i am simply socially inept i am
just figuring this stuff out now . . . . but i still hate
the stupid babble small talk bullshit that goes on when you
meet people - i really try to avoid it - but inevidably it
happens - to some degree . . . . i am lonely - i need to
talk about C noone who i feel comfortable talking with is
around - is there anyone? there was someone then she made a
huge mistake in judgement so she has lost all
creditability - she doesn't get to hear anything
interesting any more - theres someone else who i would talk
to about life things not girl things but she hasb't talked
to me in a long time - then there is the person who i
really hope wasn't hitting on me tha e last time we talked -
our situationnext year wold not be good for her to be
doing that - then there is another person who is online but
away who i think i am begining to open up to - its already
past the point where i can say the things about C which i
am thinking . . . . we'll see how things work next year -
it'll be different than it was recently and we'll see if
things hit a plateu or if they already have . . . . online
communication is so limiting . . .i want more meaningfull
one on one relationships with people - i fear i have
created tomany shallow distant relationships . . . . .
although i'm not sure if i presently have the energy to
create one or two meaningfull relationships with people and
besides everyone already have their close friends with whom
they confide in i never got myself one of them around here -
or maye i lost it or something - i dunno - yeah i've lost
about 3 of them i think - so maybe i jsut can't hold on to
them maybe after a certin point i can't go any further - or
maybe i was skrewed over - i suppose it depends on who you
ask . . . . and whom you are talking about . . . . i am
jsut about bursting at the seams - i haven;t been able to
talk to someone about a bunch of stuff - but i won't go to
far and get jerked around again - its just hard - and this
thing (journal) makes it all so much worse - i had a
feeling and i knew where it was coming from but now it is
somewhat more sorted out - however there is still othig i
can do about it i am just more aware of what is causing
these feeligns - but nothing will get done becasue these
arn'tthings that i can just decide to do or not do its to
complicted - and there are too many factors overwhich i
have no control - i feeel as thogh my life is a movie
again - its weird - i am sitting and watching all of this
happen watching myself type on this keyboard watching
myself drive home through the fog watching myslef stare
into c's eyes at the restaurant tonight desperatly
searching for a some sort of happiness searching for a look
that says 'i am content' - searing for a sparkle that
says it is becasue of me . . . .