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2001-08-14 04:35:38 (UTC)

Insanely sane

~*I think im going crazy.I odnt know why but my mind is
just slowing drifting away.I can hide it in my actions and
words but i cant keep myself from thinking it.Im startin to
get this urge to cut myself.It just came over me the other
day when i saw a stick i tried to cut myself with it.I
thought u know one time thing, but now i see a knife or
nething that could have cutting possibilities and i jus
want to grab it and make a slice.Not a big one jus small
enough so that i know its there.Its really weird.I made
this poem type thingy that i will post after this.It was
weird bc i jus started writing words down...its not really
a poem but i dont know what to call it.My mom is really
getting on my nerves with this contradicting thing.Im
becoming so confused.Its so fusterating and i jus want to
scream and put her in my shoes bc shes not listening to
me.She tells me boyfriends are bad then she yells at me bc
i have one.She says u need to see your father, then she
says if u dont want to see him u dont have to.She also
keeps saying stuff about me being fat and stuff about my
sister being too skinny.We can never be perfect to her.She
wont let us do what she cant do.It sux big hairy balls.My
mind has become a battlefeild.I have to force myself not to
become my old self.Not to throw ppl across the room bc of
something stupid.So many memories are resurfacing and so
many mixed feelings are flooding my mind.Its like waking up
from a dream and realizing that it is real.ITs scary but i
know i will jus have to face it and overcome it.I wonder if
anyone else feels this way.I feel like im the only one who
is like this.its weird.i told my mom to put me back into
counciling but she wont.She doesnt understand(or she doesnt
want to)that i need to be in it before i go crazy.Is that
why ppl cut themselves?to make sure theyre still alive, to
make sure that it really isnt a dream and its real life.I
might go cut myself real small when im done with this jus
to find out bc i need answers now.No one can stop
me from doing that.They can try but they wont succeed.Its
one thing i do have control over.Finally i unsterstand what
i must do.

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