cosmic ski slopes
2001-08-14 02:27:29 (UTC)

"Tears of Joy"

First off, don't worry abotu stuff so much. U think u
screwed up a good thing, wait until u actually do, it
sucks. I'm getting ready to sleep over Phil's, I'm gonna
tell him I'm not interested in sex tonight, I mean... I
WANT sex, I know that, but if I'm screwed up about the
slightest things... I mean, wait, let me start again.

If I can't even get over my ex-bf and if I can't see Andy
without wanting to hug him and just tell him everything and
just cry with him, if I can't be off of my Xanax long
enough to see reality- I can't make a desicion like that.
It's true: Sex changes everything and I don't wanna make
those changes yet. I'm actually kind of happy, to the
outside world atleats, i can smile now. I normally have a
really hard time with that... I don't wanna get rid of my
smile. So now I'm speding the next two days at phil's
house, alone with him, and I just wanna be able to cry
about everything- I don't think I could ever cry in front
of him. There are very few people I can cry infront of-
Hun, Chrissy, Brian, Chelle (hasn't happened yet though),
and Andy. Wether it be tears of joy or not... None of that
matters, I need to fall in love with someone that I feel
can just hold me when I need them, when I need to be held.
I don't have that with Phil and thats the biggest problem
ever. I've only fallen in love once and that was with a guy
that no matter what time or what place or what situation- I
could call him up and he'd be with me. I'm not falling
again until I feel that again...