T-Munny

Eat More Kitties - The China Chapter
2002-11-09 04:52:59 (UTC)

And The Beat Goes On

A thousand apologies for my apparent lack of internet
interest lately - but for once my inherent slackerishness
is not to blame. It seems the first week (or maybe 2, I've
heard both) in November is Communist Party Meeting Time,
and they close down all international servers as well as
only broadcast one program on every TV channel: namely,
propaganda. As fascinating as it's been to watch the Red
Dragon dance around all day, I must say I'm getting a bit
lonesome for good ole Animal Planet and my Chinese soaps.
Wow, I'm an addict. Anyhow, my school's server is still
down, so I'm coming to you now from an Internet Cafe I had
to walk to in a nearby town. Am I dedicated or what? Point
is, I haven't got time for a tremendously detailed update
(you can take a deep breath of relief now), so you'll just
have to wait. In the meantime, let me paste in another
email account of last weekend's Foreign Teacher's
Conference for your perusal and my convenience:

I really think the highlight was when we went to visit a
Buddhist temple, and I accidentally stood on the threshold
of the temple entrance. See, they have these HUGE
thresholds (like 1.5 feet tall) that one must attempt to
clamber over in order to get inside every door. I was
informed by Ma Chao (my Chinese companion extrordinaire) in
stumbling English that these were to keep the evil spirits
out, but he managed to wander off somewhere before he got
around to filling me in on this little tradition in China
which claims that standing on the threshold of someone's
home wishes death on the entire household - a mere
oversight, I'm sure. So I thought it would simply be a
brilliant idea to stand on top of said threshold in order
to get a better view of the worshippers in the temple and
their various antics, and thus up I went. Apparently
wishing death on the alleged "home" of Buddha is not
exactly the brightest thing in the world to do when
visiting China. Enter stage right a thoroughly fuming monk,
his oversized robes swishing with outrage:
Me: *smile and wave* "Ni hao"
Disgruntled Monk: "blahblahblahblah ni blahblahblah shi
blahblahblah Buddha blahblahblah!" *expectant look*
Me: (still perched on my threshold and smiling more than
ever) "Duibuchi, wo tingbudong Putong." (I'm sorry, I don't
understand Chinese)
Very Disgruntled Monk: "BLAH BLAH BLAH NI BLAH BLAH BLAH
SHI BLAH BLAH BLAH BUDDHA BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!" (The poor man
seemed to think that yelling slowly at me would suddenly
cause Chinese to be infused into my brain...oh if only it
were that easy.)

He then began a wild series of gestures which I managed to
deduce meant he wanted me out of the temple and he wanted
me out now. Slightly offended and completely confused, I
did as I was bade. I was even more baffled when the monk
began to smile affably the moment I stepped out and started
making gestures once again which seemed to welcome me quite
graciously into the temple. I took a cautious step onto the
threshold again. And was immediately subject to yet another
round of verbal whiplash. I jumped back. He smiled. Utterly
bewildered, I declined his further invitations and instead
went to find Ma Chao, who had a wonderful laugh at my
expense for almost 5 solid minutes before deciding to let
me in on his little joke. Then we went back to the monk to
kiss and make up and all was well. He even invited me to
lunch, seeing as I'm a vegetarian.

OK, now that that's covered. I guess I do have time for one
more quick little tale. On Wednesday I accidentally locked
me keys inside the front room of my flat. Naturally the
adminstration hadn't bothered to make anything so
unnecessary as a spare, so I was forced to attempt to break
in. With the assistance of Lothar and my 4'5" Vietnamese
neighbor, we set to work with large carving knives,
chipping away around the window above the door. (The plan
was to force open the window, and then I would squeeze
through and drop down - probably headfirst - into the room
below.) However, there arose a slight glitch in our
otherwise flawless proceedings when I took a break to run
down to Lothar's apartment for another chair to stand on.
During my absence the doorman made one of his random
appearances and, quickly taking in the scene at hand, came
to the most obvious (and amusing) conclusion: Lothar and
the midget were conspiring together to murder me by
repeated stabbing. Though between the 3 of them they have 5
languages mastered, unfortunately none of them match up. So
when I reappeared behind them it was just in time to
witness the rotund little doorman and the towering German
giant actually wrestling together for possession of an
oversized steak knife. Lothar was shouting in great
distress: "That ees my best knife you eeediot! Vat do you
theenk you are doing? You are a madman I tell you!!" Gosh
it was great. I was almost sorry I had to come to the
rescue before my Venitian neighbor got into the act. Ah
well - diplomacy before diversion, I suppose.

And lastly, I made the fatal mistake of complimenting one
of my sophomores on a lime green scarf she was wearing in
class the other day, and when I returned home that evening
I discovered she had left it at my apartment as a gift.
Yeah, I really did like it...ON HER. Now I'm going to have
to wear the thing all winter to keep from damaging her
delicate feelings. Terrific - nothing quite brings out my
funeral pallor like that particular shade wrapped about my
neck. OK - that's it. Hope you all had a lovely week, and I
will be doing my best to catch up on emails throughout the
next few days. Cheers.




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