a day in the mind of a drama queen
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2001-08-13 23:46:44 (UTC)

a good dream, a bad day...

mmmmmm, i had a good dream last night. it was very odd
because it was about my ex boyfriend that i just broke up
with about a week ago (Jon). it was a sex dream ofcorse.
it was very strange because i wasnt wearing anything in bed
that night. i have never been in bed with out clothes. oh
it was wonderful to imagine him next to me as i was.
(sigh) i feel bad because i never let him do anything to
me, and now i wish i would have. it would have made a more
memorable relationship... but i didnt, and there is no
more "us". in fact, i have the highest suspision that he's
going for my best friend (cadence). every1 likes cadence.
there are times when im envious of her, but there are times
when im glad i dont have all the troubles she has to deal
with as well. but wouldnt everybody want all the guys you
know head over heals for you? i worry for her, because she
imagines that every1 likes her because of how she looks.
im not doubting that she has good looks, because she
does... hell she does, but she also has a "fun and flirty"
personality. if she dropped that, she wouldnt have to deal
with half the stuff shes been going through.
neway, cadence is going with this one guy i have
seriously loved since 6th grade (devon). now, i no how
many people dont belive u could fall in love when you're in
middle school, but if this isnt true love.. i dont no any
thing to be true. the biggest problem is that he has never
once liked me back. i still remember everything. the 1st
dance at the christmas dance in 6th grade to "i dont wanna
miss a thing" by aerosmith, the problems i went through
with chris.... chris.... chris. should i say nething
about chris? hell its gonna be long but ill write it...

ok... in 6th grade i was head-over-heels for devon.
devon had this odd friend named chris. and boy did he have
a temper. he flicked off teachers, started fights (never
won them), and over-turned desks. one day i just could not
take it nemore that devon didnt like me. so, i thought i's
make him jelous and like chris. so chris and i got close
(id never admit that i TRUELY liked him), but i started to
develope a fear for him, especially when he found out how
much i still liked devon. i always got the feeling that he
wanted revenge. in fact, one time i got a thretening
phonecall from him, telling me he was going to hurt devon
because he was so mad. i remember pleading for him not to,
for him to stay the hell away from him and if he wants to
hurt ne1 for him to hurt me. that probably when i truely
developed my fear from him. that was when i started having
dreams.... nightmares. nightmares about him bringing a
gun to school and killing devon when i was helpless begging
for him not to. i remember being on my knees with devon in
my arms and seeing the blood run slowly down the
hallway... that was when i needed to protect devon in any
way i could.
well chris ended up not going on a rampage killing my
devon, but he did bring a knife to school, and thretened a
6th grade girl with it and got expelled. honestly, i was
relived, because devon was safe.
there was this one time in 7th grade when chris was
long-gone and i was beginning to move on when i dance with
devon for the 2nd and last time. i felt good because i
knew it was our last dance, my love and need of protecting
him was beginning to fade. i walked out of the building
with 2 of my great friends kathleen and kristen and they
said, "chris is here." there he was. in rollar blades, a
yellow shirt, and a checkered green buttoned shirt that he
left open. he blocked off my way home (im in walking
distance). i had to walk away from the croud... alone with
the one man i fear. he tried to make conversation,
bragging about how much trouble he got into when he brought
the knife to school. i know that he knows where i live,
because he walked me home once. then, i knew that this
would never end.
once 8th grade came, it was all about fun. that was my
best year. no chris, i had become better friends with
devon and all of his friends. 8th grade was... good. a
perfact last year of school i could spend with my friends.
my love for devon grew strong until the totally unexpected
happened. now a lot of guy have liked cadence, ill admit
that. hell who couldnt admit it, shes got every guy i no
in love with her. but devon, i never in my whole life
expected for him to fall for her. but he did. and they've
been going out all summer. ill get to thier relationship
in a minute. i still wanna get to chris.
this summer jon and the other half of my guy friends all
volenteered to help at the day camp at the beach. one day
all of my girls met there. it was a great plan, but when i
got there and finnally found my friend, Sam, i could see
this fear in here eyes. i knew something was wrong the
second i saw her. it turns out, chris was there. OH! how
interesting! so we figuered our best shot at getting
through seeing this guy, is to have jon and jason (my other
friend who i will get to later) by us at all times. i was
totally flirting with jon to keep my moind off chris. but
the best thing was... i felt protection, coming from jon.
that was something i had always longed to feel coming from
devon, but it was sooo nice coming from jon. he protected
me from my greatest fear (and u muct remember at that time
i wasnt going out with jon). so i fell for jon at that
piont. even now when i look back on that event, i begin to
love him again. i owe him my sanity. i will talk about
devon and cadence tomorrow. i have written enough for