Guava

kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
2002-11-08 21:46:05 (UTC)

struggling

I'm struggling with feelings I do not know how to begin to
describe.

Dave asked me if I wanted to go to a concert, Deck The
Hall Ball. Disturbed, Sum 41, 3 Doors Down, Good
Charlotte & Sparta are going to be there. I want to go
and it's about $40 or so to go. I told John I wanted to
go and he was whining about the money. He said he only
knows one band that is playing so it sounds like a lot of
money.

Dave and I have decided not to tell John that we are both
going. We're going to kinda run into eachother there or
perhaps simply realize we are both going.

I hate having to sneak around behind John's back, but if I
must do it I will. It is driving me nuts and I know Dave
is sick of it. He infact said "I'm not sure if I will
stick around for round two of his bullshit" That would
mean that he wouldn't bother trying to be John's friend
again. I hope it doesn't come to that, but I can't stop
him.

John is not controlling, but he does try to put his foot
down when he doesn't want me to do something. I am not
going to put up with that bullshit for the rest of my
life. I know there will be other concerts and things I
want to go to that he doesn't want to see. I can't stop
my whole life for him. I will not do that!

I honestly have not real desire to date Dave. I have
toyed with they idea, but not seriously. I am loving
simply having him as a friend.

I can't describe the feelings I have about it all. I care
about Dave in a friend way, I know that. I have a second
feeling for him that I can't put my finger on. It's not
love, but I care for him more than any of my other
friends. At least that's how I feel today.

I am torn right now. I don't know what to do. Do I tell
John that Dave will be at the concert and to just not
worry. I know he will get mad and worry anyway. If he
does get mad do I get pissed right back? Do I do
something major like dump him? I don't want to do that
because I love him, but if he won't let ME be ME then
what's the point???

Or do I find a girl to go to the concert with and not tell
John that Dave is going to be there? We could simply go
hang out and then if it comes up tell John we were both
there hanging out.

It would be cool to go out for drinks or something
afterwards too. Dave already has two other people who
want to go. I don't think that would make a difference
with John though. All he would see is that Dave and I are
going "together". I think John would assume that Dave had
more than friendly intentions towards me so he would do
something at the concert.

He got all wierd when I hung out with Dave for the evening
weeks ago. I'm sure I mentioned that. John felt sick for
a couple days because I didn't tell him what Dave and I
did. I didn't tell him because it slipped my mind.
Eating chinese and watching a movie at Dave's place was no
big deal to me.

I am really depressed right now. I don't want to think
about all of this, but it is consuming my mind. I can't
stop thinking about it.

I want someone to tell me it will all be ok and I can go
and John won't be upset. No one can tell me that though.
They don't need to lie to me. I know the truth is he
won't ever want me to go.