Dookie

Mind of a Wierdo
2001-08-13 21:18:02 (UTC)

Oh Boy!

What boy? hahaha j/k Okay. Well I promised Lisa I would
tell her what was bugging me while I was talking to Chris
on the phone. For I had told her I was crying and I did not
kno why. It wasnt that he was leaving today. Or it was that
he was goin to go to the mall with Vi on saturday when he
comes back. I mean the entire time that Chris and I were
talking he didnt even realize I was crying. And we were
talking for an hour and a half. He kept saying that I came
down with something or that I was shivering and I just kept
telling him no. I had to tell him that I was crying the
entire time and that it was okay cus there was nothing to
worry about because I would be okay. He said that I was
scaring him and that he wanted to kno but I didnt kno what
it was. So I took a few minutes to think about it. I told
him to look at the big picture. (He had told me he didnt
want to go on this trip with ROTC anymore because he wanted
to hang out with Vi now. If he had stayed home and not gone
on the trip he would only have been staying for her) Chris
is still looking at the entire thing in pieces and I am
seeing the big picture. (in better terms ..... we are
putting the same puzzle together just that I am done and he
is still putting it together)I asked him if he has realized
that ever since his feelings have gotten stronger for her
... Chris and I have been fighting. He answered with yes.
Then I asked him ... do you realize that you would be
willing to pass this trip on for her. And he answered yes.
Then I told him .... that on this trip I dont want him to
think about me whatsoever and to get his thoughts and
feelings together. He didnt' kno what I meant by that so I
told him straight up ... I lost you. You could tell when I
told him this that he was devistated. He just kept telling
me that I would never loose him and I told him I just have.
I told him that you could only tell that Vi is holding his
heart. I guess the entire crying thing had to do with the
fact that I lost Chris ...... but then I came to my senses
of that 'whatever happens I just have to except it'. That
is my other problem I grew up tooooo fast. I never lived a
teenage life. I mean if goin to the mall to hangout is a
teenagers life then that is pretty pathetic. Hahaha. But
other then that before we hung up the phone we said our 'I
love you's' and 'I'll miss you's' and all that stuff. So I
guess I was pretty much better by the end of the
converstaion. Now it is 2:18 Monday (13) afternoon. I woke
up and took a shower then came online to check my mail. I
was talking to my ex online. (my ex from the eighth grade)
I mean we really dont talk much but I still consider him a
friend after he nearly stalked me and wanted me back so
bad. He has come to his senses that we are just better as
friends. He is pretty kewl I guess. So .... for now ......
till later ..............