2002-11-08 16:26:52 (UTC)’s been a while since..’s been a while since the last time i wrote in my
diary. i don’t even remember what i wrote about. prolly
something about will and how he either made me really happy
or depressed. what else is new? that’s the story of my
college life thus far. but anyway, i can actually admit i am about to say it...i am in love with dawned on me the one else can u
describe this intense feeling i have for this man. there
is no real way to put it into words. all i know that i
have it bad and it is much more than infatuation or a crush
or a sex thing...i really do love him. u can shake ur head
at me if u’d like, but ur not me and u don’t know how it
feels...and i am telling u, unreturned love is the worst
kind. but the thing is i know he loves me...i don’t know
exactly how he loves me, but he does. listen, here’s my
logic. he will tell krista that he loves her...and if he
loves krista, he has to love me...u know what i am
saying...i dont know if he loves me as a friend and then
likes me like that....i think he doesn’t even know...but
there is NO denying that it is there. i can tell by the
way he looks at me, and whether he has admitted it to
himself yet or not, i know he does...u can’t fake the way
he looks at me. on some real shit. liz sent me a quote
that gave me the chills b/c it so sums up will and i. the
quote is, “Just b/c some 1 doesn't love u the way u want
them 2, doesn't mean they don't love u w/ all they have.”
amen to that quote. oh my, i am just rambling...but i need
to. i could talk about will all day long and never get
tired of him. why do i miss him the second after he
leaves? why can he look at me and see right thru me? how
can he make me feel so good, bad, and confused all at the
same time? a lot has happened in a year and a half. man,
i am listening to bonnie and clyde, by hov and b, and
beyonce’s part describes how i feel about him...listen to
this shit, she says, “if i was ur girlfriend, i’ll be there
for u, if somebody hurts u, even if that somebody was me,
my life, nobody or nothing will ever come between us and i
promise i’ll give my life, my love and my trust, if u was
my boyfriend. i put this on my life, the air that i breath
in, all that i believe in, i promise i give my life, my
love and my trust if u was my boyfriend.” WOW! aint that
some deep shit! i can relate tho, that is why i can NOT
get enough of that song.

on monday night, will didn’t feel good, so he laid down. i
had dru hill in and it was playing. so it was whatever.
when i laid down it was weird bc it seemed like he was mad
at me or something. there was a lot of tension there, so
much that krista could even feel it. so the next day i was
talking to him on the IM and i told him that he had to go
to bed early since he wasnt feeling well, and he was
like, "i would've gone to sleep last night if someone wasnt
playing that loud depressing ass music." and i was
like, "you could've turned it down or off if u wanted to."
and he was like, "it started making me think about shit."
and i asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he said
naw. so i was like aight, and then he said, "random
thoughts just kept popping into my head." and then he said
some shit like, "i was thinking a lot this weekend b/c i
didnt have anything to do. and i was thinking about what's
going on in my life." and then he went on to say, "i was
thinking a lot about what u said and i realized how fucked
up this situation really is. i started to actually feel
bad about what i'm doing. but we can talk more about this
later." i dont know if he meant like bad b/c he is hurting
me or bad like guilty for cheating on his girl. maybe
both, i dont know. he didnt elaborate and i didnt ask him
to. i just told him that when he wants to talk about it to
let me know and he said, "aight mama" and that was that.

so then wednesday night was mad cute. he got jealous of
gary. gary and i started to get close and will called me
into the storage closet like he needed my help or
something. kris realized it to. its cute to know that it
bothers him, b/c we all know that it bothers the hell out
of me when i see him with another gary left and
then me and krista and will bonded. we were all laying in
bed and talking about different shit. we were arguing over
the covers and krista was like, "why are yal married?" we
both just laughed it off. but it was cute bc will was
being so affectionate. he kept kissing my back and my neck
and being all cute. and then krista was tired so she assed
out and we were laying in each others arms facing
eachother. he was playing with my hair and i was rubbing
his back and we were just taking the moment in. and he
kept looking down at me and i kept looking up at him...i
don't know how to explain it but that night was all i
needed. it filled a spot for me and kinda made me realize
how much we really do care about each other. i mean there
is no doubt that i care about him, but i mean, that it is
reciprocated. maybe not completley, but pretty damn
close. he is just better at holding it back than i am, but
it's me. but the most important moment of
the night was when he was playing around and was like
kissing on my neck and all the way down my back and then
flipped me over like he was gonna give me downtown loving.
and i grabbed his face and pulled him up to mine and he was
like, "oh u just wanna bop?" and i was like, "no i just
wanna kiss u." and he kissed me. like kissed me kissed
me. oh took my breath away. and then we layed and
it was so cute. ay yay yay... anyway, he gave me a new
nickname...bopmatic. lol...that shit is so funny but so

yesterday when i woke him up for class, he got up, got
dressed and laid back down in bed and put his arms around
me. it was cute. then when he came back and i was getting
ready to go to class...i kissed cathy and liz, and he was
like, "i dont get a kiss" and i was like, "nope" but i
didnt know what to do with myself. but as always, i played
it off like it was cool. but then when he left yesterday i
could tell he wanted to kiss me. i could feel it. but he
hugged me and looked at me and kissed me on my nose.

there are other stories to talk about but i dont feel like
it now. like gary and his cute self...he is such a
thoughtful man. and then alex, rudolph, and then the
random man charles...ok...and then there's kris and the O
of day stories will come about these topics but
right now i am too tired to continue typing.

i'm out.