marinabreeze

as the Oval turns
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2001-08-13 18:41:48 (UTC)

On the Fence

Summer quarter ends in two, count 'em, two weeks. Then
I'll be going home for 4 days, then I come back for
intense, hefty resident advisor training. Where did my
summer go? I finished two huge term papers this past week,
and then I have a reaction paper due Friday and two take-
home finals - yay! So anyhow, I'm going in my third year
of undergrad...well, technically I already have third-year
status, but still, I'm halfway through, and it's sooo
weird. I have two more years of undergrad, and then I have
no idea what I really want to do. I figure it'll be good
to go into law school and get my JD, just so I can have job
versatility and security. But I don't know if that's what
God wants me to do, and I'm not really pumped about doing
it, either. It bugs me sometimes that I don't have a real
vision of my life besides getting married and having 2.3
kids. Other people tend to have dreams of what they really
want to do with their lives. I don't have that. I can't
see myself doing anything, to be honest, except at some
point settling down. Problem is, I can't see myself
becoming a housewife. I want to be doing something. I
have nothing against housewives, I think that their job can
be hard. However, I'm not busting my butt in college just
so I can become barefoot and pregnant. I don't think so.
I want my degree to mean something, and if nothing else, be
a springboard to more education, like law or grad school.
But I don't want to get into a field that I hate. I don't
want to go into law school and find out after thousands of
bucks in debt that I hate it and I'm totally miserable.
The funny thing is, though, that I was telling Pacey about
this the other day, and he said that like me, he doesn't
have vision on what he wants to do with his life when he
graduates, and what makes it worse is that he has less than
a year to figure out what he's going to do.
Speaking of Pacey, in a sense, I can't wait 'till he
graduates, b/c then we'll have some space. On another
level, though, I'll miss him. He does mean a lot to me, as
a friend. In a strange sense, I feel like I've been
blessed to meet someone like him. I think I'll also miss
the excitement of our relationship, oddly enough. The
funny thing is, though, that I get a feeling that even when
he graduates, it won't necessarily mean the end of our
friendship/relationship. I think it'll be the beginning of
another chapter. I guess in terms of Pacey graduating, I
do think about that from time to time, I don't worry about
it or anything like that, but I don't feel the "good
riddance" attitude, either. I think I'm on the fence.


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